Dear Kaidan
by sisterthemoon
Summary: Shepard writes a series of letters to Kaidan Alenko after her resurrection by Cerberus, detailing her mission to find and defeat the Collectors. She finds a way to have them all delivered just before her trip through the Omega 4 relay. ME2 pre-O4 relay, includes Overlord and a bit of LotSB. Rated for language. FemShep/Kaidan.
1. Prologue, en route to Ilos

**AN:** Hopefully, this AN won't be longer than the whole first chapter, but we'll see. This started out as a series of journal-type entries that my spacer/war hero/paragon soldier Shepard wrote to a romanced Kaidan Alenko who survived Virmire. The first one starts off on the way to Ilos; all the rest pick up after her resurrection on the Cerberus base. Thus far, it's only through ME2, including Overlord and a tiny bit of Shadow Broker. Arrival is not included, because I did Arrival after going through the O4 relay, and the letters end before the O4 trip. I don't think I'll continue on past Shepard's return from the relay (and then on to Arrival and ME3) in this story, though I may try my hand at it in a separate-but-related story.

The events in the letters stick fairly close to canon. I've tried not to include too much of the game content, instead focusing on the things that would be going through my Shepard's mind, and things she'd be willing to share with Kaidan. Gap filler, so to speak, but with in-game references for context. The rest of the story built around it. Some of the chapters are really short-they're letters, after all, even if there may be reactions to them built in as well.

Not my first fanfic, and only my second foray into the ME universe. Had been the first, but 'I'd Like That' came up and surprised me! In progress, but I have several chapters banked and will probably post once a week-ish.

Disclaimer: EA and Bioware own all, especially any recognizable dialogue, I just fold them into pretty pictures that amuse me. I'll return them unharmed, I promise.

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**Prologue - en route to Ilos**

_Dear Kaidan,_

_It seems crazy that I'm writing to you while you're in my bed, but you're sleeping so peacefully...I couldn't bear to wake you and I'm so restless couldn't help but get up. Something tells me I'll end up back there with you before too long, but we'll see. _

_I wish that I had the words to express just how much our time together meant to me. How much it means to me. How much **you** mean to me. You've been my rock through this entire tour, and I don't think I could have done any of this without you._

_I never expected this. When Anderson told me I'd been assigned to the Normandy, I thought I was getting another short-term assignment...which, I don't mind saying, since this is only in a letter you're not likely ever to read, I was a little bit disappointed about when I was introduced to my new staff lieutenant. If it were only temporary, we wouldn't have a lot of time, and suddenly, I really, really wanted to have more time. We're not supposed to show that kind of thing, I know, with regs and all, but I know I wasn't the only one...even if I wasn't sure until our first visit to the Citadel._

_It was so hard not to blush, but I couldn't help but be happy, since it seemed I'd affected you just as much as you'd affected me._

_So many crazy things have happened since then. Council Spectre. Saren and Sovereign. Psychic monster plants and indoctrinated Asari matriarchs. Losing Ash on Virmire. Through it all, you've been there for me, you've watched my six and supported my decisions..._

_Hell. Even on my own omnitool, I have a hard time with words. All that makes it sound like I only appreciate you for what you've done for me on the mission. Which I do appreciate, of course I do. But tonight...you've also reminded me that there are things out there, out here, in this cabin...worth fighting for. You told me tonight I make you feel human. You...you make me feel...**alive**._

_If this one night with you is all I ever get, I'll take it. The memories that we've made here will keep me warm forever. But I hope for more. More time, more of you, more of **this**...oh, how I hope._

_I hope, too, that you never have to see this letter. I know that I'll be a hell of a lot better out there if you're with me, and as cheesy and horrible as I know it'll sound, I think you'll always be with me now._

_Be safe out there, Kaidan. Take care of yourself. For me. For us._

_-Jane_

* * *

'Well, that was...clumsy,' Shepard thought to herself in mild but amused disgust as she shut down her omnitool. 'At least he'll never actually read it.'

Attention shifting from the now-dormant omnitool to her bed, Shepard's lips curved in a faint smile. Kaidan was sprawled across her bed, sleeping on his stomach, with the thin, Alliance-issue sheet tangled around his hips. It made her wonder how he managed in sleeping pods on a nightly basis. Or perhaps he was just taking advantage of the available space while he had it.

Still, she reasoned, watching the rise and fall of his back as he breathed, it was a rather inviting sight...the expanse of bare skin, the faintly shadowed curve of muscle, and thick, dark hair made messy by fingers and their combined exertions. He looked, she decided, almost thoroughly debauched, and her smile widened as she recalled the events of the several hours previous.

After a few more long moments admiring his body, Shepard shook herself back to reality, wondering why she was still sitting here across the room from him. Decision made, she climbed slowly back into bed, trailing a line of soft kisses up the length of Kaidan's back as she did so.

Kaidan stirred and turned toward her when she reached the nape of his neck; his brown eyes were hazy with sleep, but a drowsy smile tugged at his mouth nonetheless. "Hi," he murmured softly, lifting a hand to run his fingers through her own thoroughly mussed hair before they settled on her cheek.

"Hi yourself," came Shepard's equally quiet reply, her eyes half closed at the touch of his hand. She leaned in, deliberately pressing her chilled body to his, and tilted her head until her lips were close enough to brush against his when she spoke. "We're still a few hours out and I can't sleep. Care to help me fill the time?"

Untangling his free hand from the sheet, Kaidan slid his arm around her and gently pulled, to further close the distance between them. That sleepy smile deepened and he leaned forward that fraction of an inch to turn that brush of lips into a tender kiss. "I think I could manage that."

Shepard's answering smile was radiant. Her fingers tangled in his hair, her mouth opened under his, and for a long while, only their gasps of pleasure and murmured sweet nothings filled the room.

* * *

Spent, Shepard rested her head on Kaidan's shoulder, absently running the tips of her fingers over his arm while he slept. Sleep was still not an option for her; she felt energized, ready to face whatever waited for them on Ilos, more determined than ever before to pull herself and her crew through it all alive.

Doing her best not to disturb his sleep, she brushed a kiss to the corner of his mouth and carefully crept out of bed and into the shower.

When he woke, Kaidan knew he was alone, but the lingering warmth of the bed next to him indicated that he hadn't been for long. Glancing up, he spotted Shepard leaning against her desk and smiled, suddenly shy.

"Brought you coffee," Shepard offered, smiling. "Couldn't sleep, even after all that. I feel..."

Kaidan returned the smile and murmured, "I, ah, I know what you mean. It's been a long time since... well. I swear, if anything happens to you..." He closed his eyes against Joker's inevitable interruption, announcing their impending arrival to the Mu Relay, and sighed.

Shepard's reply was soft, understanding. "Me too, on all counts." Then, she straightened, her demeanor shifting from the passionate lover he'd just spent the night with to the indomitable Commander. "Get your gear, lieutenant. Time to end this."

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_Reviews welcome!_


	2. Chapter 1, Stolen

**AN:** And now the real story begins! Although it's billed as a series of letters, there's a bit of set-up to be done before we get there. Thanks to all who read and reviewed the first chapter!

Disclaimer: EA and Bioware own all, I just fold them into pretty pictures that amuse me. I'll return them unharmed, I promise.

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**Chapter 1 – Stolen**

Commander Jane Shepard, formerly of the Systems Alliance Navy and currently a freelancer, she was quick to remind herself, strode with purpose toward the galaxy map at the back of the CIC. Her ship was empty but for her ground crew and her pilot, and her footsteps echoed sharply on the Normandy's metal flooring as she walked.

"Set course for the Hourglass Nebula, Joker," she ordered, once she'd reached the map. "Sowilo system, planet Hagalaz."

Over her pilot's affirmative response, she heard Miranda ask, disbelieving, "Shepard? We're going to see the Shadow Broker? **Now**?"

Shepard turned and gave the Cerberus operative a heated look. In spite of the fire in her eyes, however, the Commander's voice was calm and clipped. "Those are my orders, Miranda. I don't think I need to remind you that I am the commanding officer aboard this vessel. Rest assured, I will do everything in my power to rescue my crew, but the Shadow Broker has information that I need. As soon as I'm done there, we'll be headed for the Omega-4 relay."

Though Miranda looked for a moment like she might press the issue, she nodded and stepped away. "Yes, Commander."

Once their course was laid in, Shepard walked back to the bridge and exchanged a quick look with Joker. "Shouldn't be more than a few hours, Commander," the pilot offered.

"Not a problem, Joker." Shepard paused, took a closer look at her pilot's face, and her voice softened. "How you holding up?"

"Aw, Commander," Joker protested, "you're not getting soft on me now, are you? I'll be fine. I'll get us there safe, we'll find the crew, and I'll get all of us back in one piece."

Shepard's eyes narrowed a bit, but she recognized in Joker's eyes that same 'please don't ask me right now, because if you push, I may well crack' look that she'd seen in her own more than once since her resurrection at the hands of Cerberus. She nodded her understanding, and then rested her hand briefly, softly on his shoulder. "That's exactly what we'll do. I'll be in my quarters, let me know when we're ten minutes out."

"Aye aye, Commander."

Rather than return immediately to her quarters, however, Shepard walked the ship, stopping by to check in on each member of the ground crew. Reassurances that they were ready were received from each, some more believable than others, but the few moments she spent with all of them eased her mind, and she hoped that it did the same for them.

Finally, once she returned to her quarters, she allowed the Commander Shepard mask to fall as she dropped bonelessly to the couch. The fish tank glowed a serene blue in the dim light, illuminating the handful of fish she'd been able to keep alive. She still thought it was a waste of space, but since it was there, why not fill it? It became a challenge, keeping the little buggers alive, and it gave her a small distraction amid the chaos of her life.

"EDI, no interruptions unless it's Joker, please. Lights to 25%, privacy protocols on."

"Of course, Shepard. Logging you out."

Shepard knew, of course, that there wasn't really much in the way of privacy, even in her quarters, but that didn't stop her from asking every time. It had been awhile since the last time she'd asked Kasumi to check the room for monitoring devices, and that didn't matter much; even those that the master thief removed were eventually replaced. It was a constant reminder of just how precarious her situation was, but she'd done as much as she possibly could to earn the trust of her ground crew, even Miranda and Jacob, the pair of operatives who'd been with Cerberus before she came along. It remained to be seen how far that trust would stretch.

Sighing, Jane Shepard allowed the Commander to melt fully away as she brought up her omnitool. After a quick glance to ensure that she was not in range of the known video surveillance devices, she brought up the folder containing her personal log entries, which was really the collection of letters she'd written to Kaidan Alenko over the past several months.

Sometimes, she mused, it was a surprise even to her that she'd continued to write after the fiasco on Horizon. When the Collector ship had taken off, she'd been so sure he was on that ship... The relief at seeing him well and whole and, for a brief moment, happy to see her had rendered her almost completely...well, stupid, if she were completely honest with herself. Afterward, she'd thought of so many other ways to handle that situation, so many better ways that, for a time, it had been a common form of nightly torture to imagine how differently things could have turned out.

It had become cathartic to write to him, she realized. Even if she never found a way to send him all these files, even if he never read them, just to write them made her feel better. That didn't stop her from hoping that she'd get the chance to send them, though, and hoping he'd have just enough faith in her and in whatever they'd had together that he'd believe what he read there.

If she had any regrets, Jane mused as she looked over the list of files that she hoped Liara would be able to send, it was that she'd never had a chance to tell him how she felt about him. Since that awful day on Horizon, she'd wondered whether things would have been different if she had, but it was far too late to be worried about should-have-beens. His missive a few weeks later rekindled a tiny flame of hope that she'd been careful to keep lit, but small, in case he decided that he'd had enough after all.

That she'd gotten involved with him on the first Normandy at all was a huge surprise; she certainly hadn't been *looking* for a relationship, but there was something about Kaidan even from the beginning that caught her interest. While she might wish that they'd had more time together, she certainly didn't regret the time they *had* been able to spend, Alliance regulations or no. Her parents had managed to make it work, and they were both Alliance, too, so it was obviously possible.

Her fingers flew over the omnitool as she made one final entry to the log that she hoped to be able to send, and gave a quick once-over to the rest, ensuring that she was including everything, then packaged it up, readying it for delivery.

"Commander, we're ten minutes out from Hagalaz," Joker's voice came over the intercom.

"Well timed, Joker. Thanks, I'll be right down. Hail Liara and let her know we're inbound, all the normal docking protocols."

Though it had been Jane who was reviewing her letters to Kaidan only a few minutes before, it was Commander Shepard who got to her feet, straightened her clothes, and made her way down to the airlock.

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_Reviews welcome!_


	3. Chapter 2, The Request

**AN: **A bonus chapter! It's rather short, but I wanted it to be separate from the next update. Weekly update pattern will resume on Sunday night, and that will be the last chapter before the letters (finally!) begin. Thanks to all who've read, favorited, followed, and reviewed!

Disclaimer: EA and Bioware own all, I just fold them into pretty pictures that amuse me. I'll return them unharmed, I promise.

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**Chapter 2 – The Request**

"Greetings, Shadow Broker."

Shepard rolled her eyes at the information drone's greeting when she stepped through the door. "Still haven't fixed that, Liara?"

"Shepard," Liara turned to greet the Commander, smiling warmly, "I'm so glad you stopped by. What can I do for you?"

"I...the Collectors took my crew, Liara," Shepard replied, pained. "I think he knew it was going to happen. He told EDI to get me and the ground crew off the ship, she installed the IFF, and it transmitted the Normandy's location out to that same damned ship that's plagued us from the beginning. We can't wait any longer, we're going through the relay. Now."

Concerned, Liara reached a hand out, but stopped before making contact, seeing the look on Shepard's face. "Thank you for telling me before you left. You didn't have to come in person, though," she added, her inflection rising at the end of her comment, as if in question.

A hint of a smile touched Shepard's lips. "I figure, if we don't come back, someone should know what happened to us. But I...hmm. I'm not sure this is such a good idea after all."

"Shepard, what is it? You know you can tell me anything," Liara pressed, though gently.

Sighing heavily, Shepard said, "Liara...I need a favor, but I..." She trailed off, looking uncharacteristically unsure.

This time, Liara did reach out, taking Shepard's hand and leading her to a pair of chairs near the large bank of monitors which made up part of the Shadow Broker's network. "If it is within my power, Shepard, you know I would do anything you asked."

"I wouldn't ask if there was any other way, if I'd been able to think of anything else," Shepard said, her voice still somewhat strained. "Cerberus is monitoring everything, there are bugs everywhere on the ship, and what they don't pick up on, EDI does. The only time he can't see a thing is when I'm here. Whatever protections the previous Shadow Broker had, whatever you inherited, they have the Illusive Man pretty peeved." In spite of her tension, Shepard managed a quick, amused smile for the comment, before it fell away. "Liara, I...have a series of files that I need you to deliver." She paused, swallowed. "To Kaidan."

Liara straightened, hands folding in her lap, sudden understanding (and a hint of bitterness there and quickly gone) crossing her features. "I see. I'll do what I can, but it can be difficult to break into Alliance communications undetected."

It was a lie, they both knew it, but Shepard merely nodded. "You can say no, I'll understand. Like I said, I wouldn't ask if I hadn't already exhausted every other option. But...it would mean a lot to me if you could at least try. For me." Liara was not the only one who could play dirty, Shepard thought.

Her wince barely visible, Liara nodded. "Of course, Shepard, I'll do what I can. How much have you told him?"

"Enough," Shepard replied, visibly relieved now that she had Liara's agreement. "I'm just hopeful it doesn't backfire." She raised her omnitool, "Check it first before we sync up, I don't want to be the reason Cerberus suddenly knows all you know."

Amused in spite of the situation, Liara commented, "It's clean. It is no surprise that he's frustrated. The protections on the ship are quite advanced; even if they had installed anything on your omnitool, it would have been scrubbed as soon as you came aboard." It was her turn for a nervous pause, a hesitant request as Shepard initiated the transfer. "Would you...may I read them?"

Shepard's eyes widened fractionally at Liara's question. "I...well. Sure, you can read them, I suppose, if you want to. But...Liara, you're a good friend to me. I don't want to hurt you. I know...well. I don't want to hurt you," she repeated, her words no less sincere for their lack of eloquence.

"I understand, and I appreciate the thought." Liara paused for a moment and then, deciding that she'd already crossed any lines that might have otherwise prevented her from asking her next question, plowed ahead. "Did you at least tell him you love him?"

A hint of a blush worked its way across Shepard's cheeks. "No," she answered simply. Then, "I couldn't. That's...not something you say for the first time in an email or a note. He deserves better. And reading that might make things worse. I don't want to do that to him." Her omnitool beeped, signifying a successful transfer. "Liara...thank you. If I don't see you again...you really have been the most amazing friend. Please, be happy."

Liara smiled and reached out a final time, covering one of Shepard's hands with hers. "I'll do what I can," she murmured once again. "And Shepard...you'll come back. I know you will. Goddess bless you."

Shepard smiled, squeezed the hand covering hers, and swiftly made her way back to the Normandy. "Joker, you know where we're headed next," she called out as soon as the decontamination cycle finished and she was through the airlock. "Omega Nebula, let's hit that relay."

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_Reviews welcome!_


	4. Chapter 3, The Delivery

**AN: **As mentioned, back to the weekly Sunday night schedule. This is also the last set-up chapter (and the longest so far, hope that counts for something), next week we finally get into the letters. Thanks to all who've read, favorited, followed, and reviewed, particularly CyanB for the concrit! I know this doesn't entirely address your concerns, but hopefully it's a step in the right direction.

Disclaimer: EA and Bioware own all, I just fold them into pretty pictures that amuse me. I'll return them unharmed, I promise.

* * *

**Chapter 3 – The Delivery**

Liara T'soni, Shadow Broker, felt her shoulders slump as she sifted through the information she'd downloaded from Shepard's omnitool. She had known the depth of the Commander's feelings for Kaidan Alenko, but she'd known it as some cold, distant fact, something that lingers in the mind but doesn't have to be acknowledged. Seeing the collection of letters to the man, reading as the words grew increasingly heavier as the journey to the Omega-4 relay drew closer, brought the knowledge into sharp, painful relief.

Liara had hoped, after revealing all she'd had to undergo in order to keep Shepard's body out of the hands of the Collectors to deliver it to Cerberus so that they could bring her back, that she might finally be able to convince the Commander of the depth of her own feelings...and to finally have those feelings reciprocated. Lips twisting in a wry smile as she read, Liara realized that it was not to be. The sudden spark of understanding was like ash in her mouth, and it was tempting, so tempting, to simply delete it all, to leave this task unfinished.

It was rather amazing, she mused, as her fingers moved indecisively over the omnitool's interface. She'd heard about their disastrous reunion on Horizon, both from Shepard and the crew, had heard the hurt in Shepard's voice when they spoke about it afterwards on Illium. Even after such heartbreak, Shepard's feelings for Kaidan had not changed, her heart had remained true, and the letter she'd received seemed to ignite some kind of hopeful spark within her, though privately, Liara didn't think much of his attempted apology.

In retrospect, perhaps the enduring faith in Shepard's heart for him wasn't so strange. After all, Liara's feelings for Shepard remained even after the Commander's death, even in the face of this knowledge that her feelings would never be returned.

Shepard had known the reaction she'd get when she asked for her letters to be delivered, Liara realized. The request had been hesitant, and regret had twisted the Commander's face once Liara had finally been able to entice the question out of her. Now she understood why.

Still, the asari thought, shoulders squaring, Shepard might not return her feelings in the way that Liara wanted, but clearly there was a vast wellspring of trust between them, or this request would never have been made to begin with. That had to count for something. It wasn't what she wanted, but Liara felt the weight of that trust, felt it warm her heart just the same. Suddenly, she regretted that she'd even had the briefest thought of not delivering these letters.

Even so, she wasn't entirely sure how they'd be received. Liara knew how upset the Lieutenant had been after Shepard's death, and had she come across something from Shepard for Kaidan then, she wasn't sure whether she'd have kept it from him out of kindness or sent it to him as some kind of attempt at solace. After losing the original Normandy, and Shepard with her, Liara had thought that their shared grief would draw them all together, but they'd all fallen apart without her, as a group and as individuals. Especially Kaidan.

That wasn't her choice to make, Liara decided. Whether he'd want to receive them or not, Shepard had asked and Liara would act. Liara hoped that the result was one that Shepard wanted, for her sake. The Shadow Broker already knew the heartbreak of unrequited love and it was not something that she'd wish on anyone, particularly the object of those feelings.

Her fingers moved swiftly across the keys, adding layers of biometric encryption to the files, ensuring that Kaidan alone would be able to receive the letters within. As much as Anderson and Hackett might be starving for information about Shepard, as much as Cerberus wanted to keep their hands on everything Shepard did, even though some of the letters were little more than random thoughts on people and places that meant nothing to them, Liara felt that these thoughts were far too private, too intimate to be seen by the eyes of others.

After a short command to the Shadow Broker's drone, a hidden camera on the Citadel began to stream data to one among the endless supply of monitors arranged in a bank before her, showing Kaidan wrapping up his day in the Counselor's office. Perfect. Ordering the drone to follow Kaidan's feed as he made his way to wherever he was going, Liara entered a quick note of her own to preface the attachment, then held her breath and sent it on its way.

* * *

Weary from a day of wrangling politics, Kaidan Alenko groaned aloud when his omnitool beeped signifying an incoming message. He'd already left the Councilor's office and had almost made it out of the Embassy proper, so he waited until he was fully outside to acknowledge the alert, hoping he wouldn't have to turn right back around. Instead, his eyes flew open in surprise as a fingerprint scanner popped up.

"Confirm identity," a neutral, computer-generated voice prompted.

Wariness edged Kaidan's face, but he found a vacant bench on one of the Presidium walkways under one of the omnipresent cherry trees, and pressed his finger to the screen, wincing as he felt the tell-tale pinprick of a DNA scan. More reason to be concerned; this was not a program he'd loaded onto his omnitool, but it was too late now to turn back.

The omnitool's display flashed green and that same neutral voice announced, "Biometric scan complete. Identity confirmed. Welcome, Staff Commander Kaidan Alenko."

_Delivered-To: Kaidan Alenko, Systems Alliance Navy_

_Sender: [ENCRYPTED]_

_Return-Path: [Unreachable or Unknown]_

_From: [ENCRYPTED]_

_Subject: Per request_

_[!Has attachments!]_

Kaidan felt his brows creep upwards as he examined the message headers. A biometric scan to confirm his identity, and still the sender and any information about the routing of the message was either encrypted or unknown? He ought to be deleting this message, he mused, considering the layers of sophisticated technology he was dealing with here. With no way to verify who the message was from, no clues about what it might contain...

Even so, he knew he wouldn't delete anything; his curiosity had already gotten the better of him, and it was obvious someone had gone to a significant amount of trouble to find him. The temptation was great to open the message where he sat, but after a quick glance around reminded him that he was in the open air on a bench overlooking the Presidium's lake and the fountain he'd always found soothing, he swiftly made his way home.

Like most of the human Embassy's staff, Kaidan lived in a tiny apartment on the Presidium Commons, above a row of retail shops. He often found himself wishing he lived in a corner apartment; not only were the corner units larger, they also had windows on two of four walls that overlooked the lake and the massive ward arms of the Citadel. As it was, he was shoved somewhere in the middle, and though he had a window which overlooked the lake, it allowed him barely enough room for a few pieces of furniture in the living area, to say nothing of the barely sleeper pod sized sleeping space. A kitchenette was tucked into one corner of the room, but he never bothered using it, preferring instead to eat at one of the restaurants on the commons...when he had the opportunity to tear himself away from the work he was doing for Councilor Anderson.

He shrugged out of his BDU jacket (thank goodness today hadn't been a day that called for dress blues) and kicked out of his boots before settling at the tiny desk to read the mysterious message.

_[Message begins]_

_Staff Commander Alenko,_

_A mutual friend asked me to deliver this packet to you. Please know that we mean you no harm. The encryption package used to send this message is self-contained and burned itself out of your omnitool once its task was complete. Had anyone else attempted to obtain delivery of this message, the data itself would self-destruct...and might take a good portion of the attempted breaker's omnitool data along with it. Rest assured, then, that no one else has access to this data._

_Postscript: I debated about whether I should send this to you, Kaidan. I hope you appreciate it._

_[Message ends_]

Kaidan thought he'd been curious before, but he could only think of one individual with the resources to develop a self-destructing encryption program, but why in the world would the Shadow Broker be contacting him?

And the postscript? That sounded personal, **too** personal for the nebulous, nefarious information dealer that he half remembered from...from Before, his mind interrupted, and he sighed.

Sometimes his life seemed to be broken into two parts, Before Shepard's Death and After Shepard's Death. Her reappearance on Horizon had only complicated matters, and as his thoughts turned to the very events he'd been trying to forget, a pained grimace twisted his face.

At least this time he had an easy distraction, he thought, his gaze shifting back to the omnitool and the message contained within. Moving away from his desk and its uncomfortable chair, he settled instead on the small couch that had come standard with his apartment. It wasn't much, but there was a table to prop his feet on and a small but efficient reading lamp on a table next to him. He examined the message headers once again and shook his head in frustrated bemusement when he still couldn't crack the message's encryption.

The attachment contained within the message turned out to be an archive of many different individual files, and once his eyes lit on the first of those, his attention was fixed on his omnitool, his hope for a distraction from thoughts of Shepard obliterated by seeing her name at the bottom of the first. His breath caught momentarily, his eyes darted quickly back to the top of the file, and then realized he was hunched over the omnitool on his arm.

'Come on, Alenko, where's that prized practicality?' He shot to his feet long enough to scramble for a clean datapad and nearly tripped on the blasted desk chair in his haste to return to the couch. He rushed to scrub the datapad's network settings and flagged it for local use only before copying over the series of Shepard's files attached to the email he assumed was from the Shadow Broker. He couldn't help but mutter a quick word of thanks for the ability to make that copy since, given the email's suspected source and the comments about encryption, he'd been half-afraid that he'd lose everything in the transfer.

Kaidan forced himself to pause and take a deep breath once the datapad was in his hands and its files had been transferred safely. His actions had been somewhat frenzied, he realized, after he understood what the message contained. He couldn't help but wonder why it had taken so long for Shepard to reply. He'd almost given up on hearing anything from her after his horrible attempt at an apology after the disaster that had been Horizon, so to receive anything now seemed strange.

Even more baffling was the fact that he was almost positive that the message had originated from the Shadow Broker. Kaidan had no idea when Shepard would have come into contact with him, much less why. And to use that resource to send a message? To him? As far as he was concerned, that moved things from unusual right into strange, bordering on crazy.

Then again, Kaidan huffed a wry laugh, it **was** Shepard. Strange things just happened around her. And once again he realized, shaking his head, his thoughts had turned back toward her. Dr. Chakwas had described her as the galaxy's immovable center, and that assessment wasn't all that far off, in his opinion. They just hadn't realized the extent to which they'd all come to revolve around her until she was gone.

Now there was a trail of thought he really didn't want to go down. Luckily, he had a distraction on the datapad right in front of him, so Kaidan Alenko set himself to read.

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_Reviews welcome!_


	5. Chapter 4, Awake

**AN:** Finally, we get to the letters! I'm finding that the great thing about writing this is to see one's own plot bunnies come to life, and to see people enjoying it (thanks so very much!). The horrible thing about writing this is when it gives *other* plot bunnies, especially when they are terribly, terribly distracting from the current story. Unless it's something like "She's Gone," which wrote itself in a matter of hours and was always going to be short. That one's not real happy, though.

Anyway, rest assured, I will finish this! I've been reading fanfic long enough that it's always very sad for me when stories don't get done, so I'd never leave one hanging, but man. Distractions abound. Thanks to all who've read, favorited, and reviewed.

Also...I'm asking for a small bit of willing suspension of disbelief for the location where Shepard writes her first few letters. I have to imagine that the shuttle ride from the Lazarus station and to/from Freedom's Progress took some time...time where, I think, Miranda might have left Shepard alone for a little while to try and grasp her new situation. Not saying Miranda didn't watch curiously as the Commander wrote... :)

Disclaimer: EA and Bioware own all, I just fold them into pretty pictures that amuse me. I'll return them unharmed, I promise.

* * *

**Chapter 4 - Awake**

On a shuttle, leaving Cerberus' "Project Lazarus" station, location unknown

_Dear Kaidan,_

_I..._

_Where..._

_Why..._

_I am sitting on a shuttle with two Cerberus operatives, heading...somewhere to meet with their boss, whom they call "The Illusive Man." I'm trying to understand what's happening to me. It seems like I closed my eyes after the Normandy...happened...and I opened my eyes and heard a woman's voice, who turned out to be with Cerberus, telling me that we were under attack and I had to fight my way out._

_I don't...I can't understand this. They tell me that it's been two years since the Normandy went down, and I...**two years**. It doesn't feel like two years since I told you to evac the crew, since I went up to get Joker into a pod. It feels like moments ago. Hours, maybe. A day or two at the outside. But years? I can't believe it._

_Having to acknowledge that the Normandy is gone, even though I knew she would be is hard to describe. I can still look up and see...walking through the remains of the CIC, looking up to see...space. The icy surface of that godforsaken wasteland, whatever planet it was. Pieces of our ship everywhere. I think I got to Joker in time, I think he got out safe in the pod, but I don't know how many of his bones I broke to get him there. I hope he can forgive me. I hope he's safe. I hope you're all safe._

_How...how did this happen? Where __**are**__ you? Where am __**I**__?_

_I'm scared, Kaidan. I'm so scared._

_I still can't believe this. Cerberus? If there were any other way to get off that station, I'd have taken it. I'll never forget what these bastards did to Kahoku and his men, to the colonists on Feros, to so many others. _

_But somehow they went to enormous expense to...bring me back. Jacob, one of the operatives, said something about how I was "meat and tubes" when they brought me in. They won't show me pictures, but I've seen my reflection, I've seen the glow through my scars, and those are just the ones on my face._

_It's the cybernetics that really frighten me._

_Am I even myself anymore?_

_I don't know why I'm bothering to write. Obviously, they want something, I just don't know what it is yet. But I'm afraid I'm going to have to make a deal with the devil, and I don't know if I can even forgive myself for it, so I can't imagine why you'd ever forgive me._

_I'm...I can't do this right now._

_-Jane_

* * *

Kaidan read the first of Shepard's letters with a furrowed brow and a mass of conflicting emotions. He'd met with Councilor Anderson immediately after returning from Horizon; he'd both played a recording of their conversation and provided his own account and impressions later. Although he and Councilor Anderson had agreed that she was indeed the real Commander Shepard, her assertion that she had been clinically dead until being resurrected by Cerberus was difficult for them to put any faith in.

'She believes that she died and was brought back,' Anderson had said. 'I don't believe it myself. Resurrection? There's just no way. But I have faith in **her**.' Anderson's faith in Shepard's belief in the events as she saw them was a big part of the reason he'd sent her an apology (painfully inadequate as it was, his brain helpfully supplied) after returning to the Citadel.

Still, the implications were staggering. Why would they make her think that she'd been dead and brought back to life? What purpose did that serve? Then again, it **was** Cerberus, and Kaidan of all people was aware what they were capable of. They had gone to great lengths to make sure the Alliance was aware that she was alive and, most importantly, working for them. After Horizon, Anderson had suggested that they may have done it on purpose, to turn the Alliance against her, but he'd never brought it up again, and Kaidan hadn't given it any further thought. Until now.

Reading her letter now, Kaidan started to wonder whether Anderson's offhand comment had been right, that Cerberus had leaked her presence with them to turn away those who would've gone to hell and back for her otherwise. He wondered, too, whether he, Anderson, and the Alliance were wrong about her reappearance, wondered if Cerberus really had resurrected her. He'd seen the faintly glowing scars on her face on Horizon and hadn't really known what to think of them then. To hear that they might have been the result of cybernetic implants definitely tilted the scale in her favor, but how far?

He wanted to believe her, as incredible as her story sounded, wanted to believe that she hadn't faked her death to join Cerberus, and after reading the raw emotion in her letter that was sounding like the case. Especially, he realized, reading what she'd written about Kahoku and the rest of the Cerberus projects they'd run across while on the original Normandy.

To read her admission of fear clutched at his heart. The same woman who'd lead the charge against Saren and Sovereign, admitting that she was afraid? Logically, he knew she felt fear, everyone did, but she'd never shown that kind of emotion, even in front of him. It was one of the things that made him and the rest of her crew want to follow her into hell itself. That quiet, unshakeable confidence. She believed everything would work out, so they believed it, because they all trusted her. Loved her. Knew she'd see them all to the other side.

And 'meat and tubes?' That was not something he wanted to spend a lot of time thinking about, even if it were some elaborate ruse...maybe especially if it wasn't. Thinking of the woman he had loved (still love, his brain reminded, who do you think you're kidding, Alenko?) in that kind of state was awful. Trying to imagine how much worse it might be if she'd been tricked into thinking it was possible was...something he was having extreme difficulty even considering. Not that he'd put it past Cerberus to try something like that, but to think that it might have happened to Shepard? His Shepard? It was appalling.

Assuming she had really been brought back to life...her first thoughts were of him, it seemed. That...was something to think about. Maybe he really did mean as much to her as she'd meant to him. That thought was a double-edged sword. Encouraging because maybe, just maybe, they might be able to rekindle what they'd lost, if she ever came back. Discouraging because of the way he'd treated her on Horizon, he thought with a wince. She had never replied to the letter he'd sent, and looking back on what he'd said, it seemed rather inadequate now.

Still on his small couch, Kaidan leaned back and rested his head on the wall behind him, careful not to disturb his amp, closing his eyes with a sigh. Why now, he wondered. What had changed to make her go out of her way to send all these files to him? There were many more files to read, so she must have decided to keep on writing, he just hoped he'd eventually understand why.

As he queued up the next letter, his thoughts echoed one of her questions: Where **are** you, Shepard?

* * *

_Reviews welcome!_


	6. Chapter 5, Something Odd is Going On

**AN:** My goodness, I'm starting to realize that the letters were the easy part! I think I'm doing well enough in writing my Shepard, but I really hope I'm doing Kaidan justice. It's easier with Shepard, naturally, since he or she is the character that we create. The others are harder! :)

Disclaimer: EA and Bioware own all, I just fold them into pretty pictures that amuse me. I'll return them unharmed, I promise.

* * *

**Chapter 5 - Something Odd is Going On**

On a shuttle headed to Freedom's Progress, somewhere in the Terminus Systems

_Dear Kaidan,_

_No, I don't know why I'm still writing, actually, except that it seems to help me a little bit. I think maybe it's because it reminds me of the first time I wrote you a letter. Sometimes, thinking about that night before Ilos is the only thing that sustains me._

_We're on our way to Freedom's Progress. The Illusive Man (which is as ridiculous to type as it is to say or read, so I'll have to come up with a good nickname, but I'm not an Alliance Marine for nothing) says he knows why our colonies are disappearing, and he's sent me here with my two minders, my babysitters that he's appointed for me, like I'm a dog on a leash. _

_I still...this is so frustrating. And so confusing. I still can't wrap my head around the idea that it's been two years. I can't imagine what any of you are thinking...what you must have gone through. I'm trying to put it out of my head, I have a job to do, but you are impossible to forget. If they're right, if I've been...gone for two years, if you think I'm dead..._

_As soon as I can, I'll try to find you, Cerberus be damned. They brought me back to life, but I sure as hell didn't ask them to do it, and I don't owe them anything, no matter what they all might think. I know you survived the Normandy, but I don't know anything else. Yet. _

_It doesn't matter, though, Kaidan. I __**will**__ find you._

_-Jane_

* * *

Writing this made her think of the **first** time she'd written him a letter? Had she sent something to him before this fiasco happened? Kaidan didn't recall ever receiving anything; if he had, he was sure he'd have read it until he could recite it in his sleep after her death. He made a note to go back and check just in case, though...sometime later, when he wasn't distracted by her mention of Ilos.

'Maybe it meant as much to you,' he'd written after Horizon. Seeing her mention it so soon after her assumed rebirth, obviously it had, since it was so much on her mind. Since **he** was so much on her mind.

Some of the information in the rest of the letter wasn't as pleasant to think about. They now knew, of course, that the Collectors were behind the disappearances of human colonies, but it was Shepard's mention of direct contact with the Illusive Man that had him concerned, at least at the moment. Alliance Command knew that the Illusive Man was an issue, but they hadn't realized just how big an issue until they'd started to decrypt the information that Shepard had forwarded to them at some point during her travels. That she was taking orders from him, or even working directly for or with him...that might cause the brass some trouble, Kaidan imagined.

It wasn't exactly easy for him, either. The only thing that gave him any measure of comfort was her clear distaste for the situation, though even that was hard to read about. He couldn't fathom being put into the situation that Shepard found herself in, and had no idea what he'd do if the tables had been turned.

She was right, too, Kaidan thought in amusement, that name was rather ridiculous to read, and he looked forward to finding out what she ultimately decided to call him.

Settling more deeply into the couch, Kaidan dimmed the lamp near his head and propped his feet up on the table in front of him. What he and the rest of the crew 'must have gone through,' he mused, rereading the letter. He didn't like thinking about those first months after Shepard's supposed death. To say that it had been difficult was like saying Ambassador Udina was pompous jerk, it was an understatement of epic proportions.

It hadn't just been the loss of the woman he loved, or even the fact that she'd ordered him to leave her side. He knew she'd have done it again in a similar situation, and he knew he'd have done the same, were he the commanding officer. Even that hadn't stopped him from being mired in survivor's guilt, however, and he purposefully directed his thoughts away from yet another subject. He figured he'd have time enough to dwell on that (again) later, depending on what the rest of her letters contained.

But it was more than losing her, it was how everything they'd worked for had fallen apart without her there. She'd been the glue that had held them all together, humans and aliens alike, and sometimes it had seemed that things happened by her will alone. Though, if he were honest with himself, they should have known after the Battle of the Citadel. They'd barely had time to get their bearings, to say nothing of having any shore leave, before they'd been sent to look for any remaining groups of geth that had ventured beyond the Perseus Veil. As if anyone who saw Sovereign could really believe that the geth were the biggest threat in the galaxy.

Without further proof, though, Shepard's hands were tied, and not even her authority as a Spectre had helped. That was hardly a surprise, Kaidan thought wryly, considering the Council had only made her a Spectre in the first place to shut Udina up, and so she could go after Saren. And so, despite seeing Sovereign for themselves, despite having to be saved from it and the fleet attacking the Citadel, the Council maintained that there was no credible threat, and had done everything they could to discredit Shepard, especially after her death.

The Alliance had been given no choice but to follow, for all that Anderson had been added to the Council, and that had left a sour taste in a lot of mouths. There were a number of Alliance soldiers who had resigned their commissions after hearing about Shepard, and those were only the ones that Kaidan had heard about. The Alliance had tried to distance themselves from her as much as they could, and gradually, they had all moved on.

Kaidan himself had remained with the Alliance out of sheer stubbornness, an unwillingness to let everything they'd worked for be swept under the rug. He knew well that he was of the minority, but he also knew that he had allies in Councilor Anderson and Admiral Hackett. That the best of the Alliance brass still believed in Shepard, no matter what faces they'd had to retain in public, helped him a great deal.

Once again, Kaidan's eyes drifted back to the tail end of the letter on the datapad. 'I **will** find you,' she'd written. He wondered whether that stubborn determination had lasted after Horizon, but there was only one way to find out.

* * *

On a shuttle returning from Freedom's Progress, somewhere in the Terminus Systems

_Dear Kaidan,_

_What...what's happening? Freedom's Progress was completely deserted, but we were able to find out that it's the Collectors that are behind all this. They're taking whole colonies. Whole __**human**__ colonies. But why? That's still the question, though I don't think anything is as important as trying to stop them. We can try to figure out why later._

_He must have known what I'd find here. He must have known already what was causing these disappearances, and he knew that I wouldn't be able to turn away once I figured it out._

_Oh, Kaidan, I hate myself for this, but you know me. I can't sit back and do nothing. I wish I knew if the Alliance was aware, and what they were doing about it. I'm not even sure what all of this is going to entail, but I'd feel so much better about it if I knew I had my original crew backing me up._

_Speaking of the original crew...we ran into Tali on Freedom's Progress. One of her people was on his pilgrimage there, and it's thanks to him we know what's going on in the first place. _

_She was the first person from...before...to see me, and to say she was surprised is an understatement. I'm starting to realize that it really has been two years for everyone else, even though it doesn't feel that way for me. She's changed, but in such a good way. Grown up. In command of her own people, and strong, like we knew she would be. I think seeing her like that, more than anything, really brought home that it's been so long. _

_Though...her reaction to seeing me worries me, really, when I stop to think about it. I can't imagine how it's going to be to see the rest of you. To see you. If you think I'm...gone..._

_I'm...I don't know what to do now. I was afraid I'd have to make a deal with the devil, and I was right. And I'm starting to realize how different things are now. I'm..._

_I'm not sure what to think. I hate what I'm going to have to do. I hope I can forgive myself for it later. I hope you'll all understand why I'm doing what I'm doing. I hope __**you'll**__ understand, and can forgive me for it, because more than anyone else, it's the thought of your reaction that worries me the most._

_I...had better stop writing for now, I think._

_-Jane_

* * *

Shepard had run into Tali during her travels. Kaidan was glad to hear that; he'd always liked Tali, and was sure that she was every bit as grown up as the Commander suggested. They'd lost touch after their escape pods had been picked up (after the funeral, his mind whispered, but he ignored it, trying to push those thoughts away as long as possible). Tali was one of the few who hadn't urged him to try and talk for those first few hours, had merely sat with him in quiet acceptance of his need to mourn.

Yes, he'd always held a bit of a soft spot in his heart for Tali, and suddenly, he regretted that he hadn't spoken with her, or even tried to send her a message at any point during the last two years. It would have been painful, yes, but some things were worth a little bit of hurt.

Speaking of hurt...Horizon was going to cause him constant agony, Kaidan thought. It seemed as if Shepard was bound and determined to hit on everything he'd said, whether in their brief conversation (or was that an argument?) at the colony or in his letter afterwards. That wasn't strictly fair, though, considering that these letters had been written well prior to either of those things.

Still... 'You know me,' she'd written. He'd thought he did, and then he'd run into her on Horizon, working for or with Cerberus, which had made him second-guess himself. Even now, the best he could say was that he **used** to know Shepard, and the Shepard that he used to know was definitely the type of person who'd act when she saw something like this happening.

So maybe she hadn't really changed, maybe he did know her after all.

Suddenly, he could understand why she'd had to stop writing. If what she'd been thinking was anything like the circles he was thinking himself into, it was practically migraine-inducing. Kaidan rubbed wearily at his eyes, and then stared blankly out the window across from him. Even during the Presidium's enforced night cycle, there was still plenty of light outside, both from the signage of the shops below and from the cars and other rapid transit speeding past. He looked without seeing, lost in thought, unaware of how much time had passed since he'd returned to his apartment and started reading Shepard's letters.

When he finally did look at a clock, Kaidan was surprised to see that it had only been a few hours since he'd returned home. Absently, he ordered some food to be delivered from one of the restaurants on the Commons below, but even after submitting the order via his omnitool, he wasn't entirely sure where he'd ordered from. While his omnitool interface was up, he dictated a short message to Councilor Anderson.

"Won't be in tomorrow, sir. Migraine's brewing and I'm going to knock it out with some of those experimental meds the doc at Alliance Medical wants me to try. I'll let you know how it works. Thanks."

He wasn't entirely being truthful, and he figured Anderson would probably be able to tell, but wouldn't call him on it. Everyone needed the occasional mental health day, in Anderson's eyes, and this would be the first time Kaidan had ever taken one. And really, though didn't have a headache now, he was fairly certain he probably would by the time he was finished reading. Not to mention that the message he'd sent gave him an excuse to avoid the Councilor's office the following day...which meant he was free to keep reading Shepard's letters.

Kaidan wondered what it meant that he was so willing to ignore his responsibility for Shepard, especially given that it wasn't the woman herself, just a series of files on a datapad. He sat with that uncomfortable thought until a knock on his door reminded him that he'd ordered food, which he hurried into the kitchenette to eat once the young human who'd delivered it had been dismissed.

As he ate steak skewers, he eyed the datapad he'd left on the table in front of the couch, thoughtful. Assuming Shepard really had been brought back from the dead, assuming she had been gone for two years and had only recently been brought back, then she really would be the same woman, the same Commander he'd known and willingly followed into hell on the Normandy. Once again leaving aside his personal connection to Shepard the woman, he found himself hoping that it really was Shepard the Commander. If anyone could resolve the situation with the Collectors, it'd be her.

And if it really was Shepard the woman... Unbidden, memories flooded his thoughts. Memories of soft lips running up his back as she kissed him into wakefulness, of chilled skin that he was only too happy to warm with his own, of the pleasure and love and warmth he'd felt as they'd made love for the final time on the way to Ilos.

"That's enough of **that**," Kaidan muttered to himself, setting aside his now-empty food container. "Never get anything else done if you start going there."

He dimmed all the rest of the lights in his apartment before making his way back to the couch, and propped his feet up once again before he started to read on.

* * *

_Reviews welcome!_


	7. Chapter 6, Home, But Not

AN: Thanks to all who've read, favorited, followed, and reviewed!

Disclaimer: EA and Bioware own all, I just fold them into pretty pictures that amuse me. I'll return them unharmed, I promise.

* * *

**Chapter 6 - Home, But Not**

Normandy, captain's quarters, headed toward the Omega relay

_Dear Kaidan,_

_I really hate this guy. Really. I've just been told that all of my former crew are unavailable, and that your records in particular are "surprisingly well classified." I couldn't help but ask about you first, even imagining how you'd feel about working with Cerberus in any way._

_It's so hard to wrap my head around this idea they have that I'm the one. I can't even picture it. I'm a soldier, a marine, not a savior. I don't mind dying in the line of duty, if that's what's required of me. I __**am**__ a soldier, after all; protecting the innocent is my duty, and I've started to wonder if I was put into the hands of Cerberus because I failed at my task (the Reapers) and need to complete it, but..._

_I resent so much being forced to work with these people. I can't trust any of them, I find I'm always having to watch what I say and to whom, and I wouldn't put it past any and all of them to have all manner of surveillance on me, always. In fact, that's pretty much a certainty, since I have an annoyingly perky yeoman to remind me when I have messages on my private terminal, as if I couldn't manage to check that myself. I'm sure that's not the end of it, I'm sure there are all manner of listening and watching devices, too, which is going to make life a very frustrating, infuriating challenge._

_He's got these "dossiers," people he thinks can help me in this crazy, stupid mission, and I wish I could tell him to shove it, but if I can't have my original crew, I'd be foolish to throw away leads, even considering the source. But that does mean that I can't trust any of them, either, and that's a poor way to start a team._

_And our methods are just so very different. I want to find out who's doing this, want to stop it from happening, because I really do think that this is a serious threat, but working with Cerberus? _

_Right now, we have the same purpose, to stop these attacks on human colonies. But it's so hard to get past all the things that they've done, all the things we discovered...two years ago (if you could only see me trying to wrap my head around that, or trying to find a way to __**say**__ it out loud, which I haven't managed yet). He seems to think he can find a way to make me agree with his methods, seems to think that I'll come around to his way of thinking, but he's wrong. So wrong. If this is what I'm meant to do, I'll do it, but I'll do it my way. The __**right**__ way._

_But it just makes me so sick to think about all of this. To think of the things I'll have to do to make sure that it's done, once and for all._

_The Alliance needs to plug their holes, too, I feel compelled to point out. Unless they were aware that Cerberus worked on the original Normandy anyway. (Hell, Kaidan, even thinking about the SR1 brings tears to my eyes. It keeps flashing through my head, the original ship and what happened to her, and that, too, just makes me sick.)_

_But Cerberus has built another Normandy. Bigger, and much as I hate to say it, better, at least in some ways. It looks so wrong to see our beautiful ship in these awful colors, to see that ugly logo everywhere I turn. That she's been upgraded is just another reminder that so much has changed, another slap in the face that things are different now._

_He hates that we've named her the Normandy. __**Hates**__ it. I admit that I get some amount of pleasure out of that. Anything I can do to needle him, juvenile as it is (I wrote 'might seem' first, but it doesn't __**seem**__ anything, it just __**is**__), pleases me._

_Privately, I'm not so sure about the name myself. I wonder whether it's wise for us to go gallivanting around the galaxy in a near-exact copy of the SR1, flying under the Normandy's name, especially since I'm in command. If we're trying to be covert about anything that we're doing, this is not the way to go about it._

_Even worse, to me...there's nothing of the original Normandy here. "There's us," said Joker, but that's hardly enough. It's unfair to her, maybe, but she's a bad copy, a poor replacement, and she feels empty without my real crew here._

_Without you here._

_One bright spot: Dr. Chakwas is on board. She was quick to point out that she wasn't working for Cerberus but for __**me**__, and I'm so...humbled by that. And so many other things I can't really name right now. And grateful that she knows there's a difference._

_Still, I'm starting to wonder if I'm fooling myself, trying to make it seem like I'm taking the high road, when really, I'm just as bad as Cerberus is, since I'm willing to take advantage of their resources to get the job done._

_Great. I'm starting to talk myself in circles. I'm...this is too big to wrestle with right now, I think. Hopefully I'll be able to figure it out sometime, though. It may well break me otherwise._

_-Jane_

* * *

Wait. Joker and Chakwas were with her? Given all Shepard had revealed in her latest letter, it seemed rather silly to be hung up on that specific piece, but Kaidan was having a hard time fully comprehending that so he could move past it.

It wasn't much of a shock to find Joker was with her, he supposed, as he thought about it. Joker hadn't been much better off than Kaidan had been after Shepard's death, and the pilot had a great deal of difficulty getting the Alliance to let him fly again. Ultimately, he'd given up and disappeared...until now, Kaidan reasoned. Joker loved to fly more than anything, so if someone else gave him the opportunity, even if it had been Cerberus, why wouldn't he have taken it?

Chakwas was an entirely different story. With all the time he'd spent in the med bay with migraines on the Normandy tour, Kaidan had gotten to know the doctor rather well. He knew how much she liked being part of the Alliance and serving as the medical officer aboard a ship; it had been one of the things that had kept her in the service. Now that he thought about it, though, hadn't the Alliance reassigned her to a base somewhere after the Normandy went down? He was rather dismayed to admit that he didn't know for sure. He didn't know much about any of the crew he'd served with aboard the Normandy, truth be told, and suddenly, he was rather bothered by that. It wasn't that it was unusual to lose track of people you'd served on assignment with, Kaidan thought, but that crew and their assignment had been anything but typical, so why hadn't they all made a greater effort to stay in touch?

Dragging himself back to his current curiosity, he ran a quick query on his omnitool and found that Dr. Karin Chakwas had been granted an indefinite leave of absence from the Alliance. The reason for her request had not been specified, or it required a higher security clearance than he had access to, but he didn't think that would be the case. He couldn't be entirely sure, though; for all he knew, Anderson was aware of Chakwas' placement with Shepard and was reporting back regularly, but he doubted that. Chakwas would, after all, be able to answer definitively the question of whether Cerberus had actually resurrected Shepard and he felt reasonably certain that Anderson would have passed along anything he'd heard on that front. He hoped so, at least, because the alternative, especially considering the mess on Horizon, was not something he wanted to think much about.

Whether she'd been resurrected or not, Kaidan mused as he re-read the letter, she certainly **sounded** like the old Shepard.

Leaving aside the fact that she was with Cerberus, at least for the moment, Kaidan couldn't imagine what it must be like for her to live every day knowing that every move was being watched. Suddenly, he was glad that Chakwas and Joker (and Garrus, though he hadn't been mentioned yet) were with her. He hoped they'd be able to provide her at least a little bit of normalcy, give her a little bit of an escape from that constant pressure.

Kaidan shifted on the couch, turning sideways until his back was leaning against the arm and his feet were propped up on the cushion next to him. It wasn't the most comfortable of positions, but he was able to lean his head back on a cushioned arm rather than the wall behind him.

It was difficult to read about Shepard's struggles with Cerberus, in light of what had happened between them on Horizon. He could only imagine how much worse he'd made things for her, considering all that had been said. He was only a few letters in, but it was starting to become obvious that Shepard had chronicled her travels and sent them on to him, though he still wasn't sure why. Even so, it was tempting to skip ahead, to try and find out what she'd said about Horizon and how she'd replied to his letter, if she had, if only so he could stop thinking about it as he read.

Tempting, but ultimately not something he'd do, Kaidan decided. He'd just have to make a greater effort at not viewing everything she'd written through the lens of that experience, hard as that was going to be.

At least she was aware of the lengths that Cerberus was going to in order to try and control her, he thought. He couldn't help but feel a hint of amusement, though; the Shepard that he knew and loved would take all those names she was given and do everything in her power to turn them to her side. He was willing to bet she'd manage, too, given his own experience as part of her crew.

Once again setting the datapad aside, Kaidan closed his eyes. He knew he'd made the right choice for himself on Horizon. While he might be able to understand, eventually, why Shepard had been willing to work with Cerberus in order to get the job done, even if he couldn't right now, he knew he wouldn't have been able to work with them himself, no matter what the reason. It would have eaten at him, at them, until it tore them apart, not an experience he would have wanted to endure. Even so, he couldn't help wishing that he'd been part of that team, to watch as she slowly drew them all to her side. There was just something about her, and it had been amazing to watch her work on the SR1, he mused. He imagined it would've been the same this time around, and that's what he felt like he was missing out on. He'd never join Cerberus, but watching her as she earned the loyalty of her crew, as she drew his people away from him and toward her...that would have been worthwhile to see.

Though Anderson had to be aware by now, Kaidan thought, it wouldn't be a bad idea to pass on what Shepard had been able to learn about the Normandy's original construction. If Cerberus had been involved by the Alliance's choice, that was one thing (and not something he wanted to spend a lot of time dwelling on, come to think of it), but if they hadn't been aware, then there were definitely holes that should be investigated at worst, and plugged at best.

She was right, too, that naming the ship the Normandy had been risky. It had raised a good number of eyebrows, especially considering, as she'd said, that the thing was covered in Cerberus logos. For all that they seemed to want to keep themselves and their organization secret, they hadn't done a very good job once the Normandy SR2 was out and about.

But perhaps that had been the point. While Kaidan was certain that Shepard was right in saying that the Illusive Man hated that they'd named their new ship after the old one, it couldn't have come as a complete surprise. He must have been banking on Shepard and Joker's sentimentality, must have known that would prick a lot of thumbs, Alliance and otherwise. Not only did Cerberus suddenly turn up with a replica of the Normandy, but they'd improved it, **and** they had Commander Shepard at her helm to boot.

Little wonder the Alliance and the Council had been so willing to believe the worst of her. That **he'd** been so willing to believe the worst of her. They'd all been led there. Kaidan sighed heavily and shook his head. He had a lot to answer for, if he could ever find her again.

Though Shepard had mentioned the SR1, Kaidan actively tried not to think too much about it. He'd had issues with that in the past, and it had taken him to some very dark places and it was rather difficult to think about. He'd only just been able to pull his life back together within the past six months or so, but even that wasn't saying much.

And that was as much as attention as he wanted to give that subject right now, he thought, shaking himself back to the present. As he queued up the next letter, Kaidan wondered once again, 'Where **are** you, Shepard?'

* * *

_Reviews welcome!_


	8. Chapter 7, Old Friends

Disclaimer: EA and Bioware own all, I just fold them into pretty pictures that amuse me. I'll return them unharmed, I promise.

* * *

**Chapter 7 - Old Friends**

Normandy, captain's quarters, orbiting Omega station

_Dear Kaidan,_

_Omega is a complete and utter shithole. Aria T'Loak would be pissed to hear me say it, I'm sure, but that doesn't change what it is. As to why I'm here…_

_The Jackass (still working on coming up with a good, Marine-worthy nickname for him) has given me a roster of people he thinks will be best suited for the task at hand, as I mentioned, and "advised" me to start on Omega, with a salarian named Mordin Solus. _

_I think he meets with me via vidcomm on purpose, but that's just as well. I wanted tell him to take his advice and shove it, except that the sooner we had a scientist on board, the sooner we could start work on counteracting whatever technology the Collectors are using. Still, given the look on his face and the tone in his voice, it really was so tempting to tell him to go to hell. _

_I hate this...and I am going to stop now and change the subject, or I never will._

_So, Omega. As it turned out, in order to get Mordin to join us, we had to fight our way through some of Omega's gang-controlled slums to stop a plague engineered to affect all species but humans (and vorcha, who are completely immune to everything...except bullets and heavy weapons, thank goodness). Even more fun? It turned out the plague was made by none other than the Collectors. They want humans immune for something, keeping us alive on purpose, and it had the added side benefit of every other species on Omega blaming us for the entire thing._

_Made for a really wonderful trip, let me tell you. But it also brought home how bad things can be in some places in the galaxy. Sometimes it seems crazy to be willing to give our lives to save things, if this is how people choose to live, but on the other hand...that's the thing about free will. The whole point is that it's their choice. We do what we do so that they have the ability to make those choices. Right?_

_As if I needed other weighty issues to keep me awake. Then again, it's an excuse not to have to lay in bed under that blasted skylight._

_In spite of how much the suggestion pissed me off, I'm glad I went to Omega first. Mordin is an interesting individual. Former salarian STG, and it's nearly impossible to get him to stop talking, but he's already making strides toward figuring out how to make sure we're safe from the Collectors so that we can actually do the job we need to do. _

_The most interesting part of this trip didn't have anything to do with him, though. There was another crew member to be picked up here, someone they called Archangel, some kind of vigilante who'd managed to aggravate every mercenary group in the Terminus Systems. The odd part, though? Archangel ended up being Garrus._

_Yes, Garrus Vakarian, former C-Sec officer, sniper, and crewmate on the original Normandy. Bastard shot at me, just enough to disrupt my shields, but still. He shot at me! I'll enjoy giving him hell for that for a while. _

_It was a bit touch and go there for awhile, though. He's got quite the collection of scars after his run-in with a Blue Suns gunship. He made some crack about krogan women liking scars, but Maker, Kaidan, it looked so bad there at first, I thought we were going to lose him. We nearly did, I'm told. _

_It's funny, though. Still the same old Garrus, though a bit more vigilante-style now than he used to be. I think he got tired of trying to deal with C-Sec...which is hardly a surprise, considering how he felt about it back on the original Normandy. He said he tried to go back at first, after the Normandy and had trouble, which I can imagine is turian shorthand for 'they're all idiots over there, Shepard.' Still, I find it pretty amazing that he ended up on Omega, of all places._

_It's great to have him on board. It's a long way from being comfortable here, but I can't tell you what a relief it is to have someone I can take dirtside with me that I know for sure will have __**my**__ back, no matter what. I have to wonder if the jerk's intelligence was faulty or something, because I can't imagine that he'd voluntarily have me recruit any of my former crew, let alone have him be one of the first people we come across. I could be wrong, of course, but the memory of the conversation we had about the original Normandy's crew is fresh enough in my mind that…well. We'll see. _

_We don't have a Mako for Garrus to tinker with this time, so he's made himself at home in the battery. Always with the calibrations. It's strangely comforting._

_It's also hard to have him on board. Between tasks, between relays when we're just in FTL speed traveling in a system, or scanning planets for resources...in other words, whenever all I have is free time...it's hard. I'm starting to adjust to the idea that it's been two years, but my memories of the way things used to be are so fresh, and having Garrus here only makes it feel __**more**__ like that. It makes me expect to see you on board, along with Tali, Wrex, and Liara. Sometimes thinking about how things have changed is the sharpest pain of all, when there's nothing else but that to concentrate on, nothing to distract me. Sometimes, it hurts so much that I wonder I don't bleed from it._

_Even when we're busy, that pain's still there, that's the worst of it. But rather than sharp, pointy edges, it just...__**lingers**__ there like a big, gaping hole. An empty spot that leaves this unrelenting __**ache**__ that's omnipresent. I've heard amputees talk about phantom pain, even when they've got prosthetic limbs, and if it's anything like this, all I can do is hope I die first, before that ever happens to me, because this is bad enough._

_I just...I miss you. So much. _

_-Jane_

* * *

Kaidan hadn't heard of Mordin Solus, but idly wondered whether the salarian was familiar with Captain Kirrahe, the STG squad leader they'd run into on Virmire. Obviously Solus' research in how to deal with the collector swarms had been successful, since the ground team on Horizon had been able to fight through the swarms to arm the defense towers. He could well imagine Shepard's reaction to being advised to start with him, no matter how smart the choice was. It was almost amusing, in fact, thinking about her reaction, though he'd never admit that to her, and certainly would never want to get in her way.

As for Garrus, he'd been wondering when that name would come up. Since Garrus had been with her on Horizon, Kaidan had already known that the turian was part of her crew. It **seemed** surprising at first to hear that a former C-Sec officer had ended up on Omega, but it didn't take long for Kaidan's opinion to change once he started thinking about it. He'd never been to Omega himself, he'd only heard stories, but they were nasty ones. If Garrus had started having problems with C-Sec, and Kaidan agreed with Shepard's suspicions that it might be the case, it didn't take a huge leap of logic to think that perhaps he'd ended up in a place where he felt like what he was doing would actually make a difference. That was a difficult thing to come by on the Citadel, as trapped in bureaucracy as it seemed to be most of the time.

Kaidan remembered seeing the bandage on the side of the turian's face; that must have been the 'run-in with a Blue Suns gunship' that Shepard was talking about. He could only imagine what that must have entailed. It seemed that her propensity for understatement remained unchanged, and in light of that, it must have been only Dr. Chakwas that had managed to put Garrus back together again.

Even after reading all of that, some part of him was jealous of Garrus, too. Garrus got to be there with her, got to watch her back. Kaidan could remember so clearly all the time that the two of them had spent with Shepard on ground missions. It hadn't been entirely practical in hindsight; Shepard and Garrus were crack snipers, and the turian also shared Kaidan's love of and ability with tech, but they'd made it work, and they'd been a damned efficient team. He'd missed being part of something like that, almost as much as he missed Shepard. And while he was glad that there was at least one familiar face around to help her out and watch her back on ground missions, his heart ached at her description of how painful things had been.

As he reread Shepard's letter, Kaidan couldn't help but sigh. He knew how it would sound if he were ever to admit it to anyone, but he understood very well what she meant about phantom pain. He'd felt something similar for months after she died. In fact, he wasn't entirely sure whether he had ever really come to terms with losing her, though he'd tried as best he could to move on with his life. He'd managed, in some respects, since he'd been cleared for active duty again a few months after the attack on the Normandy, but that wasn't really saying much. It was rather easy to tell the Alliance psych eval team exactly what they wanted to hear in order to get clearance, after all.

Setting the datapad aside, Kaidan ventured into the small kitchenette for a beer, something he imagined he was going to be doing often in the near future, then returned to the couch to prop his feet up again. Briefly distracted by studying the label on his bottle, he grinned, although it had a bit of a pained edge. If he really was going to end up at the bottom of as many bottles as he thought he might while he read these letters from Shepard, maybe it was time to find something local. The imported Canadian lager in his hands was amazingly expensive to import from Earth. Worth every drop, but not something he'd be able to indulge in as often as he figured Shepard's letters would make him want to, or it'd bankrupt him.

Absently, he watched the movement of light and shadows on the wall from the traffic and lights of the Presidium outside and allowed his thoughts to wander as he drank. He didn't remember all that much of the first months after the attack on the Normandy, outside of Shepard's funeral, a memory that he often wished he could lose. Even now, he hated to remember that day, and he wasn't sure whether knowing she was alive again made it better or worse. Better, he supposed, since she was, in fact, alive...but worse because there was so much space between them, physical and otherwise.

But he could absolutely understand what she meant about the phantom pain, that ache of missing someone.

Since it hadn't mattered, since they'd all thought her dead and gone, Kaidan had been beyond caring if anyone figured out by watching his grief that he and Shephard had broken the Alliance's fraternization regs. All that had mattered to him was her absence, and the pain of missing her had been immense, especially in those early days.

Over time, he'd grown accustomed to it, and he'd been able to put it aside or work past it for the most part, but that hole in his life had remained, and there had been nothing to fill it. His single attempt at trying to move on had been a blind date that had gone as well as it could have, under the circumstances. She was sweet and interesting, and so unlike Shepard that Kaidan thought he might be able to make it work.

But in the end, she was too sweet and not interesting enough...and, if he were honest with himself, not Shepard enough. He hadn't been lying when he'd told Shepard all those years ago that he preferred adventurous women, and even if he could've put aside 'not-Shepard' long enough, all the rest had ended things before they'd had a chance to begin.

Kaidan winced, though, thinking about that single date. He hadn't exactly been the best of companions that evening, and his date's patient understanding had only made things worse. They'd parted with a quick handshake and, on his part, empty platitudes about keeping in touch, just in case things should ever change. He'd nodded his agreement, but he'd known even then that he'd never take her up on it.

Another topic better left behind, he mused. The less he thought about that awful date, the better. Once he polished off the bottle in his hand, Kaidan checked the time, then brought the datapad up again to continue on.

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_Reviews welcome!_


	9. Chapter 8, Guilty

**AN:** It's still Sunday in my timezone, so...um...I still made it? I'm so sorry that this chapter is later than usual. Between the holiday weekend, a crazy work week, and a final I had to write, I was a bit swamped. I'm not entirely happy with the non-letter portion of this chapter. I know a lot of it has been pretty heavy, and I'm trying to break away from that. Hopefully this will be a step in the right direction, at least until we get to Horizon, but...we'll see. I write where they take me. :) Should have next week's chapter up a little earlier next time around.

Disclaimer: EA and Bioware own all, I just fold them into pretty pictures that amuse me. I'll return them unharmed, I promise.

* * *

**Chapter 8 - Guilty**

Normandy, captain's quarters, en route to the Citadel

_Dear Kaidan,_

_It occurs to me that I mentioned Joker a few letters ago but didn't say anything more._

_Yes, Joker is here, with Cerberus. With **me**, and flying this new, fake Normandy. We had a really long talk a few nights after I came aboard, because..._

_Let me backtrack. The captain's room in this new ship is in what they call the loft, on the top level. It's...nice. Spacious. And it has a freaking fish tank. A small bowl, fine. But this monstrosity? I have no idea how much water is wasted there, to say nothing of the wasted space._

_The worst part, though, something else I've mentioned before but forgot to elaborate on... Above the bed is a skylight. It's protected by the ship's mass effect field, and it gives the whole thing that bluish glow when we're in flight. It would be beautiful, perhaps, if my...experience on the first Normandy were a little less fresh in my mind. It...let's just say that I have trouble sleeping._

_So, Joker and I had a long overdue talk on one of those sleepless nights. We cleared the air, somewhat, but I have this sinking feeling he still blames himself for...what happened to me. I asked him about you, about all the crew, but he wouldn't tell me anything. I'm not sure if that's because he couldn't, or doesn't think that anyone will believe me if we find you, or if he doesn't want you to know, or some combination of that and other reasons that I can't even fathom._

_It's...well, as I said I think he still blames himself. I've tried to tell him he shouldn't, but I suppose he'll come to that in his own time. It hurts me, though, to think that any of you might feel that way about what happened._

_You, especially, since the last words I spoke to you were to order you to evac the rest of the crew and leave me behind._

_If I knew then what I know now, there are so many other things I would've liked to have said. So many other things come to mind. Don't get me wrong, I would still order you to go, which I'm sure would upset you, but the truth is, Kaidan, there are no guarantees. It might not have made any difference, and if you are having...problems, who's to say that wouldn't have made things worse?_

_I'm probably doing a fine job of that myself in writing this, come to think of it._

_I'll tell you the same thing that I told Joker. Please don't blame yourself. We put our lives at risk every day, every ground mission, even every moment we're on tour. We all knew what we were signing up for, and it's a waste of energy to feel guilty about wanting to try and save the ship, or following an order from your commanding officer, even if it puts said CO in harm's way. That's her job. My job._

_If doing my job kept you safe, then to me, it was worth it._

_I really hope you're not bogged in survivor's guilt, Kaidan. It bothers me to think of you like that, and all I can do is apologize if I've made you feel that way._

_I've tried to say more, but each time, I end up deleting it, because it comes out terribly wrong. In the end, I suppose there are no right words to say. Still, the thought of you in pain makes my heart ache._

_I miss you so much. I wish I knew where you were._

_I'd try your extranet address, but I'm so afraid that Cerberus is monitoring everything...I don't even know if it'd make it out to you in the first place, and I certainly wouldn't want you any higher in their notice than you are already._

_Still...I miss you, more than I can say. I hope I'll be able to find you soon._

_-Jane_

* * *

"Hope you're not bogged in survivor's guilt, Kaidan." He re-read that statement and gave a brief laugh, sharp and bitter. Of **course** he'd been 'bogged in' guilt. Aside from Joker, he'd been the last person to see her alive. He'd **left her**. At her order, yes, but they'd already been bending the rules with fraternization, and it had been tempting, **so tempting** to ignore it and follow her anyway.

But Kaidan knew what would have happened if he'd ignored that order and pulled her to safety. She'd have taken him aside later and quietly ended things, because she would have known that his refusal to follow her order had been because of how they felt about one another. Skirting the rules was fine when there were no lives at stake, but as soon as what they had interfered with their duty, it would be over. He would have lost her anyway.

Logically, he understood all of those things, but that had never helped him. Two years gone, he'd been given the one thing that he wanted most, the one thing that he'd hoped and wished and dreamed for every night since the first Normandy's destruction. That one thing he'd wanted most had come with a hell of a condition, though: her dealings with Cerberus, the terrorist organization they'd fought so hard against while in pursuit of Saren. It rankled, and once she was finally there in front of him, he'd lashed out.

It certainly hadn't been a very reasoned response, but he'd felt such a sense of betrayal seeing her there that he almost couldn't help himself. If the situations were reversed, if he'd been the one who'd been brought back by Cerberus, he'd have moved heaven and hell to find her, and when they'd met on Horizon, after the initial sense of joy and shock had worn away, it left only anger. It wasn't rational, he could admit that to himself so many weeks later, but in that moment, he was **hurt**, feeling as though she didn't care as much for him as he did for her. It wasn't exactly the most adult of motivations; all he'd wanted to do at that precise moment was hurt her as badly as she'd hurt him.

Once again, Shepard's letters had made perfectly clear that he'd been a perfect idiot, and it was patently obvious that she **did**, in fact, care as much for him as he did for her.

Sighing, Kaidan set the datapad on the couch beside him and once again leaned his head back, closing his eyes. He half wondered whether Shepard had sent these letters as a sort of a hurtful volley of her own, but that barely formed thought was relentlessly crushed as soon as it had entered his mind. She'd never been that sort of person before, there was no cause to think that she'd become that way now, especially given all he'd read so far...even if he did have a long way to go yet.

With effort, he turned his thoughts away from Horizon (again) and back to Shepard...and to Joker. He'd known the flight lieutenant had blamed himself. The two of them at her funeral had been a terribly depressing sight, he was sure, all bright red eyes and stiff upper lips. Not that either one of them had managed to keep that facade in place, but they'd done their best.

Even given Joker's difficulties with the Alliance, Kaidan had to wonder how the pilot had ended up in their clutches. It wasn't a surprise to find him back with anyone who'd let him fly, but Kaidan couldn't imagine that the Alliance had just let him go. Cerberus must have had Joker targeted, or under surveillance, or both.

Just as well they had him, Kaidan mused. No one could fly the Normandy the way Joker could, and if they'd made all the improvements that Shepard had suggested, that ship was probably even more temperamental than the SR1 had ever been.

But he was with Shepard, in part: a fish tank? Why bother with that on a space-faring vessel, especially in the captain's quarters? Why not in the mess?

He couldn't even imagine dealing with a skylight, either, and could sympathize with Shepard's need to avoid it. Kaidan remembered well what Joker had told them about Shepard's last moments, and having to try and sleep under a skylight after being forcibly blown into space was beyond the pale.

But, Kaidan wondered, sitting up so suddenly that he nearly pitched the datapad onto the floor, maybe that was the point. They'd seen some of Cerberus' most horrific projects, so it didn't seem a huge leap to think that they'd done it on purpose, as some sort of psychological torture. Or, at the very least, some way to make her as uncomfortable as possible.

Shaking his head, Kaidan gathered the datapad and made his way to his tiny sleeping area. After stripping down to his undershirt and a pair of boxers, he issued the command to dim all the lights in the apartment and turn up the opacity on the windows. When the place was as dark as he could make it, he turned on a dim lamp next to the single bed, climbed under the thin, Alliance-issue blanket, and made himself comfortable before reading on.

* * *

_Reviews welcome!_


	10. Chapter 9, Blame it on the Brandy

**AN: **A little shorter than usual this week, mostly filler, but I enjoy the quest so much in game that I wanted to make sure it was touched on here. Will it help to know that there are plans for more than just letters? Stay tuned... Thanks to all who've read, favorited, and reviewed!

Disclaimer: EA and Bioware own all, I just fold them into pretty pictures that amuse me. I'll return them unharmed, I promise.

* * *

**Chapter 9 - Blame it on the Brandy**

Normandy, captain's quarters, in FTL speed to the Citadel

_Dear Kaidan,_

_I bought Dr. Chakwas a bottle of Serrice Ice Brandy while we were on Omega, so perhaps the place can't be all bad in retrospect. Oh, fine. Yes, it can._

_I hadn't realized that you had to show Jenkins what you could do with your biotics. I'm sure he must have pestered you until you finally showed him just to shut him up. I didn't get to spend as much time with him as some, but he was...persistent._

_You should've seen Chakwas and her Jenkins impression, though. I admit it, I laughed. Even if we hadn't been drinking, it would have been hard not to when she popped up out of her chair with both arms over her head in celebration. She's usually so reserved, seeing her like that was...nice._

_Ah, Jenkins. Thinking about him makes me feel like a bit of a hypocrite, given what I wrote to you in my last letter. His death wasn't my fault, but that doesn't mean I didn't blame myself at first. I should have known better than to let him take point, especially against an unknown threat. All we'd seen up to that point was the image of Sovereign in the distress call that the 212 sent, and even the geth were mostly unknown. If I had it to do over again, I think I would._

_So, even though there's no brandy left, and you're not here...a toast to Corporal Richard Jenkins, may he rest in peace. He certainly didn't lack for enthusiasm, as Dr. Chakwas herself said. _

_Jenkins was one of the many toasts that we made with that brandy, so now that he's been doubly honored..._

_We had an...interesting evening, actually. I didn't realize they'd grounded Dr. Chakwas, too, after what happened on the SR1. Grounded and sent to Mars Naval Medical Center, and came to Cerberus (to me) mainly for Joker, which makes a certain amount of sense. She likes being on board a ship, which I can understand. She doesn't exactly seem like the type that would enjoy being stuck planetside all her life, and said as much._

_I still can't say how much I appreciate that she's very quick to point out that she's working for me rather than for them. I think that Garrus would say that he feels the same, if pressed, and their faith is both heartwarming and terrifying. I'm used to looking after a crew, but somehow the stakes seem a little higher in this environment than they usually do._

_Now that I've sidetracked myself twice, as for my evening with the good doctor...I lost track of how many toasts we made. We remembered Pressly, too, and Ashley, and even toasted Joker. And you, of course. How could we not? You should have seen the look she gave me when your name came up. I'm sure you saw it at some point on our tour, that sidelong, 'I know what you're thinking even if you don't want to tell me' look._

_I also vaguely remember a toast to simply being happily drunk at one point, and we certainly managed that, since we ended up polishing off the entire bottle. I had to put Dr. Chakwas to bed while I was still rather wobbly myself, and I think I'll have nightmares of the footage making the blooper reel at Cerberus holiday parties for years to come._

_But screw them. Being able to catch up with her was really wonderful, drinks aside. She'd probably deny it if I ever told her, but she's as much an anchor for me as she claims I am for her. It means so much to me that she's here._

_Anyway, now that I've very carefully made my way up to my quarters, and we're nearly to the Citadel, I think I've managed to clear my head of the brandy haze, thankfully. I think the biggest reason that I said yes to sharing that bottle right now was to take my mind off our impending arrival. I'm both hopeful and fearful of what (who) we'll find (or won't find) there, and the reaction we'll get._

_Nothing for it now, though. We're nearly there._

_I still miss you terribly. I already know I'll be looking for you while we're there, as much as I'm able. If nothing else, I'll try to find a way to get a message to you._

_-Jane_

* * *

He'd nearly forgotten having to show off his biotic powers to Jenkins when the young corporal had first come aboard the Normandy. Kaidan, along with Anderson, Chakwas, and Joker, had been in the first wave of the Normandy's incoming crew, but as soon as Jenkins come aboard, he'd made it his mission to discover the identity of the biotic on the crew manifest. Once he had, Jenkins had been relentless in his pleas for a demonstration, and Kaidan had finally given in, mostly to shut him up, but he couldn't deny there'd been a small part of himself that was pleased to find someone who wasn't afraid of his abilities.

It had only been a gentle throw, but Jenkins had leapt into it, and had ended up flying halfway across the cargo bay. The doctor hadn't been the only one concerned; Kaidan himself had not only worried that he'd hurt his new crewmate, but also irreparably damaged a fledgling friendship, to say nothing of how the rest of the crew would have reacted.

He shouldn't have worried; as Chakwas suggested to Shepard, Jenkins untangled himself from the pile of crates he'd landed in, then leapt to his feet and proclaimed his admiration long and loud. Though, Kaidan thought with a wry smile, he should have known that it would lead to a flurry of **new **questions.

He still remembered how tough it had been aboard the Normandy for the first few days after Jenkins died on Eden Prime. Most of the crew had the same reaction to the exuberant young corporal as Kaidan had. Great in small doses for the first few meetings, but even in spite of that, the kid just had a way of growing on a person, and he'd ended up growing on the entire crew. It really was such a shame he'd died so young.

As for Shepard...Kaidan couldn't help another wry chuckle at her admission of guilt. He and Ashley had known she was feeling guilty, and they'd both done their best to try and talk Shepard out of it, to no avail. It was one of the things that made her such a great commander, in Kaidan's mind, that she felt as deeply about her crew as she had, but even that could be taken to an extreme.

Shepard, though...although she might have felt guilty about Jenkins, although she might **still **feel guilty about Jenkins, she always knew how to compartmentalize it, how best to ensure that it didn't affect the mission. He remembered, after Ashley's death, when she'd talked about taking losing crew members as motivation to do better next time, and she certainly had managed during their tour together. That crew had accomplished some amazing, once-in-a-lifetime kind of things. He wasn't sure that was something he'd ever be able to learn, himself.

Kaidan found himself glad once again that Shepard had friends with her. He knew a bit now about what she'd found once she reached the Citadel. He knew that her Spectre status had been reinstated, with restrictions and limitations, and could only imagine how much more complex that had made things.

It was typical, he thought, setting the datapad aside on the tiny nightstand, lips twisting in a frown. The Council had never really approved of Shepard to begin with, and after the Normandy went down, so many of the Alliance's leaders felt it was easier to take the Council's lead... So, he could well imagine that her reception hadn't been all that positive.

Kaidan reached over to extinguish the lamp and settled as comfortably as he could in the narrow bed. In the newly dark room, he stared in the direction of the ceiling above him, reflecting on all he'd learned so far. He had to try to sleep, even though he wasn't sure he could manage it, given that his mind was full of Shepard, and he wasn't looking forward to the nightmares he'd probably have, either.

In the dark, he reached out to brush his fingers over the surface of the datapad on the side table, as if to reassure himself that it was still there. He drifted into a restless sleep much more quickly than he'd expected, his hand still resting lightly atop it.

* * *

_Reviews welcome!_


	11. Chapter 10, I'm Commander Shepard

AN: Rather than splitting this into a tiny chapter and a letter, there's a bit of lead-in to this one. Thanks to everyone who reads, favorites, and especially to those who review!

Disclaimer: EA and Bioware own it all, I just take them out to play with occasionally. I promise they'll be returned in one piece.

* * *

**Chapter 10 - "I'm Commander Shepard..."**

Kaidan woke with a gasp, drenched in sweat with the sheet tangled around his hips after only few restless hours of sleep. Though he'd fallen asleep more quickly than expected, it hadn't taken long for the anticipated nightmares to begin. He'd relived the Normandy's destruction several times, though after the last two years, he was used to those. Familiarity hadn't made the experience any easier, but at least there was nothing new there to hurt him.

It was the newest nightmare that had left him gasping for breath: grotesque caricatures of faceless doctors in Cerberus-branded lab coats, experimenting on an otherwise healthy Shepard, who struggled to get away. Dream though it had been, her cries of pain had pierced his heart, especially when it seemed as though she'd been looking right at him, pleading for help that he was unable or unwilling to give. Even worse was when he'd seen a version of himself standing there watching, impassive and unmoved by the torture happening before his eyes, or by the broken voice of the victim.

His hands shook as he untangled himself from the bedding, propped himself up on the pillows, and leaned against the wall behind him. As if all of that hadn't been bad enough, he thought, he'd even revisited their confrontation on Horizon a time or two. That one had been interesting, though, in spite of being highly emotionally charged. It had seemed more a memory than a dream, and at times, had happened in slow motion...which was enough to allow him to see the hurt in Shepard's face when he'd walked away. His actual memory of the same events wasn't as clear, but if that really had been the expression on her face, he was going to have a lot to answer for, provided he ever saw her again.

Rubbing his eyes, Kaidan took a few deep breaths to force himself back into some semblance of calm, then glanced toward the datapad still on the tiny table next to the bed. Before picking it up, he checked his omnitool, and summoned a half smile at Anderson's acknowledgement of his 'mental health day,' as the Councilor had called it. Good enough, he thought, as he keyed the omnitool back off and picked up the datapad again. One good thing about his restless night, he supposed, was that he had more time to read.

* * *

Normandy, captain's quarters, the Citadel - Zakera Ward

_Dear Kaidan,_

_It's different, being at the Citadel and not being able to dock under the Alliance banner. I have to hand it to Captain Bailey down in C-Sec, though. I really owe him one._

_It's fascinating to me, though, that although C-Sec had me flagged as killed in action, most of the vendors that I ran into on the Ward had no idea, and they were more than willing to offer me a discount on their stuff if I gave them an endorsement. (There's a deeper story there, about that whole dead-but-not thing, but that will have to wait for another time.) _

_I have to wonder what people think about the sudden rash of Shepard's favorite stores, but I admit that the fact that so many of them are going to try to claim it makes me smile. The discounts are a nice side effect, but really, after I gave the first one, I realized that might be one way to get my voice out there, to let people know that I am, in fact, alive. Maybe you'll hear it and start to wonder if that's really me. Maybe you'll be looking for me as I look for you and we'll be able to find one another that way._

_Now that I'm back on the ship, though, and have had some time to think about that, I really don't think that was the right way to go about giving myself another way of finding you. Or any of the former crew. But mostly you. I'm trying to imagine how I'd feel if the situations were reversed, if I thought you were dead and suddenly heard your voice everywhere, and I...well. I don't have a lot to say in my defense. It was a spur of the moment thing, seemed like a good idea at the time, and I really hope that I don't end up regretting it later. All of those things are rather un-Shepard like, now that I think about it._

_I looked for you everywhere I went, even though I knew it was the longest of all long shots. Even if you were on the Citadel, what reason would you have to be down in Zakera Ward? It'd be more likely that you'd be on the Presidium, but the only place they'd give me access to up there is Anderson's office, and only because he authorized me. If you'd been there, he was really quick to hide it._

_Udina is, as always, a complete slime. I won't ever say it to the man's face, since I still have to play nice, but I've always agreed with Ashley's assessment. That man is the perfect example of why people hate politicians. I think he's still angry that I recommended Anderson to the Council over him, and he seems to be trying to make sure he still gets his way. To Anderson's credit, he does a great job of putting Udina in his place, but I knew he would, which is another reason I wanted to recommend him. If anyone could head Udina off, he's it._

_Speaking of Anderson...I think he might know what happened between us. Something about the look in his eye when we were talking...that's why I was at the Citadel, by the way. Summoned to address rumors of my existence. That's the official reason, but I'd always planned to come back here to ask about you, to look for you. But I'm...worried, Kaidan. They reinstated my Spectre status, provided I stayed in the Terminus only...a "show of good faith." But everything that everyone said, Anderson included, made it sound like they think I faked my death._

_I didn't. I know how inadequate that sounds, but I didn't, and the thought that anyone who knew me, anyone who served with me, who trusted me might think that? It scares me. And it hurts. What reason would I ever have to betray the Alliance like that? Why would I fake my death to join Cerberus, of all people? After everything we saw..._

_Anyway, I think Anderson might know about us. I tried hinting about you, but that didn't work, so I just came right out and asked, and he wouldn't tell me a thing. His reaction, more than anything, has really served to make me understand that there's no way for me to find you right now. Official channels are closed._

_I'll still keep looking, though. I refuse to give up, and we know how well being told no via official channels has worked in the past. While it's true that I don't have Anderson's help this time, even that won't stop me._

_He did mention you'd been promoted, though. Congratulations, Staff Commander. No one deserves that recognition more than you, Kaidan, and I'm glad to see that you're receiving it._

_I just hope...well, I suppose there are just some things I'll have to deal with if and when they happen, even if the idea that you think I faked my death to work with Cerberus makes me physically ill. Makes me feel things that I don't even want to name right now. I'll have to think about that later. Or never. Never would be good._

_-Jane_

* * *

Kaidan remembered well the rash of stores in the Wards who had been using Shepard's endorsement. It still wasn't uncommon to hear her voice in the video boards for various places on Zakera Ward, and the stores she had endorsed had started using the voice recording in their shops in other parts of the Citadel, too.

The first time he'd heard one after Horizon, he'd been on the way to his new apartment, after being assigned to assist Councilor Anderson at the embassy. The corridors leading to his residential area of the commons were lined with floor to ceiling advertisements, and he'd stopped dead in his tracks hearing Shepard's voice proclaiming Saronis Applications was her favorite store on the Citadel.

He could only imagine how he'd looked, staring at that stupid advertisement, waiting for someone else to walk by and trigger her voice again, wanting validation, wanting to make sure it wasn't just his imagination. His experience on Horizon had still been raw at that point, and for a moment, he hadn't been sure whether he was going to destroy the advertisement with his biotics or have an emotional breakdown right there for all to see.

A quiet, "Can I help you, sir?" from a passerby had brought him back to his senses, and he'd hastily mumbled some negative response and hurried away, but "I'm Commander Shepard and this is my favorite store on the Citadel" had echoed in his head for several hours afterwards...largely because he kept hearing it every time he walked **anywhere**. In retrospect, though, he was grateful he hadn't run into any of them **before** finding her alive on Horizon. He really wasn't sure how he'd have reacted, but it wouldn't have been positive.

That kind of spur-of-the-moment decision without giving much thought to the consequences really wasn't very Shepard-like, Kaidan thought, in agreement with her own assessment. She'd had an almost preternatural understanding of strategy, military and otherwise, and had always been at least a few steps if not leaps and bounds ahead of everyone else when it came to predicting what would happen next. She really was human after all, it seemed.

Though she hadn't said as much, he had to wonder whether part of that lack of thought had been because she was looking for him. In every letter she'd written thus far, she'd talked about how much she missed him, and how she hoped to find him. Kaidan had no idea what he'd done to deserve that faith, but he was rather humbled by it, nonetheless, and hoped that he'd eventually find a way to talk to her again, to be able to make up for some of the hurt he was sure he'd inflicted.

He set the datapad aside, stood, and stretched, trying to work out the knots in his back. It was a decent enough apartment, but the tiny bed could hardly be considered a comfortable place to sleep when it was barely wider than his shoulders. As he showered, shaved, and dressed, his mind kept wandering back to all he'd learned so far, particularly the idea that Cerberus had resurrected Shepard. If they'd truly managed that, then they were far more advanced an organization than the Alliance had given them credit for to this point.

If he could have detached himself from the subject, Kaidan thought, he might have been interested in seeing how they'd managed it. It had to be a huge amount of cutting-edge science and technology, and the tech nerd in him couldn't help but be fascinated. Thankfully, his curiosity had its limits; once he remembered that it was **Shepard** that had been the subject, and that there was no possible way he could detach himself from that, ever, any idle musings on **how** (and even why) stopped.

He couldn't say that he was grateful to them, though. Grateful that Shepard was alive, perhaps, but there was no way he'd ever be able to feel any sort of positive emotion toward Cerberus beyond that. Privately, too, he would wager that if it hadn't been Shepard, they wouldn't have succeeded, anyway. She'd often seemed rather super human, while they served together on the SR1; there must have been something about her that made it all possible.

Dressing in a relaxed set of BDUs, Kaidan retrieved his datapad and headed back out toward the couch, taking a brief detour into his tiny kitchenette to retrieve another beer. No one was around to care that he was already breaking out the alcohol after being awake for barely an hour, so why not?

Before he started to read, he keyed in another order of take-out to his apartment, ordering enough that he was sure to get a raised eyebrow when they found him alone upon delivery, between the pile of food and the case of local beer he was requesting. Just another thing to maximize reading time, he thought, amused. It'd be awhile before they were here, though, which gave him time to read another letter...

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_Reviews welcome!_


	12. Chapter 11, A Picture's Worth

**AN:** A little bit later today than I wanted, but two letters! The second one's kind of short, but hopefully it's worth it. Thanks to all who have read, favorited, and reviewed!

Disclaimer: EA and Bioware own all.

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**Chapter 11 - A Picture's Worth A Thousand Words**

Normandy, captain's quarters, leaving orbit from Bekenstein

_Dear Kaidan,_

_Things on the Citadel weren't all bad. I got some fish for that stupid fish tank, though how long I'll be able to keep them alive? That remains to be seen. I suppose I could ask the yeoman to help me out with that, but I really hate the idea of her (or any of the Cerberus crew) in my quarters, so I'll just have to remember on my own. Something tells me this is not going to end well._

_We also picked up a new crew member, Kasumi Goto. She's...an interesting character. A brilliant tech, at least as good as...others I've worked with in the past. That one I'll let into my quarters when I'm not here (not that a locked door would stop her, she's a thief, after all); between Kasumi and Mordin, they keep an eye out for the bugs that I knew would be hidden here. The bugs replenish themselves, naturally, but they're helping me do what we can to keep at least my quarters as clean as possible. The lab is the only completely clean place on the ship; Mordin wouldn't tolerate anything else, and though it's tempting to start staying down there myself, I don't think he'd like that very much. Nor would I, truth be told. He's growing on me, and he's a brilliant scientist, but best in doses._

_Kasumi...well. Let's just say that she's the first person in many years to get me into a dress. And let's also say that dresses are every bit as uncomfortable as I remembered. __**And**__ walking in heels is as big an annoyance as I ever thought it would be._

_Yes. You read that correctly. Kasumi Goto got me into a fancy dress and pair of heels for some party she needed to infiltrate. It was...bizarre. And ended in true Shepard fashion, as we ended up blowing up a gun ship. I live in fear that someone ended up with a picture of me in that ridiculous outfit. Privately, though, I'll admit that I have to hand it to Kasumi. She did manage to pick a really flattering dress, even if I'd be happy to set the thing on fire and never see it again._

_I feel for Kasumi, though. She had a lover, a partner, and we went to that party to retrieve his greybox. We ended up having to destroy it, at his request, but...it was extremely difficult, for both of us. It was so easy for me to put myself in her shoes. If I had a greybox of you, of memories of us, even though I don't have all that many, I'd be devastated if I had to destroy it. I'd want to keep it close, to be able to lose myself in those memories, to be able to experience those feelings all over again._

_It makes me the lucky one, that you're still alive out there (where __**are**__ you, Kaidan?), that we might still be able to find one another, that I haven't lost you. The thought of that just...is not something I can dwell on._

_The ship is slowly filling up, but she still feels mostly empty with all of these unfamiliar faces around. I'm sure it hasn't escaped the notice of my handlers that I spend a great deal of time with Joker, Garrus, and Dr. Chakwas, but they're the only ones that I can trust implicitly. If the Cerberus crew doesn't like it, screw them._

_I think I'll be able to add Kasumi to that list as well, though. She was hired by Cerberus, but seems to view them in the same light that we do. I hope to be able to consider Mordin among those people eventually, but he's somewhat hard to get to know, for all that he talks a mile a minute. That 'take him in small doses' thing._

_Miranda and Jacob, my handlers (and I'm sure I don't have to tell you how much I hate __**that**__), make no bones about the fact that their loyalty is to Cerberus and its leader. Amusingly, bafflingly, they wonder why I feel like I always have to watch my back around them._

_It's a very odd kind of thing, but I think I'm learning to live with it, even if I wish things were different. I read back over these entries and I worry that I'm wasting energy on dwelling on the past, but at the same time, remembering the original Normandy and her crew (and you, of course) reminds me of who I used to be, and that is a very valuable thing right now._

_-Jane_

* * *

Kaidan shook his head, chuckling at Shepard's description of her new crewmate's party. Obviously, her penchant for heavy weaponry and her joy in creating big explosions hadn't changed, but that wasn't a huge surprise. That she'd faced down yet another gunship was a bit worrying, but again, not a huge surprise, given that it was Shepard. There were reasons she had the reputation she did.

Shepard in a dress, that was something he couldn't even fathom. Certainly not something she'd need while on shipboard tour, and the one time he'd been in her Spectre-appointed apartment on the Citadel, he'd only seen dress uniforms and BDUs. To be fair, it had been a short visit, during their brief shore leave after defeating Saren and Sovereign, and she hadn't had much time to personalize it, but still, saying that Shepard was the 'dress type' probably would have been an understatement.

The rest of the letter was a bit harder to read, Kaidan thought. Smart that Shepard was taking precautions against Cerberus' attempts at monitoring her every move, and unsurprising that they were doing so, but having to live that way must have been a nightmare. She had allies, too, which was also good to see. Not surprising, but good to see.

Reading the name of Mordin Solus again, he set aside the datapad for a moment and turned on his omnitool, bringing up the Alliance database. Given that Shepard had mentioned he'd retired from the salarian Special Tasks Group, Kaidan didn't think he'd find anything, but ran a quick search anyway. As predicted, Solus' time in the STG wasn't documented, beyond a note that he'd served with distinction and had retired. Similarly, there wasn't much of his time on Omega, beyond that he'd opened a clinic and wasn't taking any shit from the various mercenary groups there. Interesting.

Sipping absently at his beer, Kaidan propped his feet up and leaned back, leaving the datapad next to him. He could understand Shepard's feelings about the greybox, and her difficulties in destroying it. He knew all too well that if he'd had something like that available to him, he'd have lost himself in the memories of the brief times that they'd had together and never would have been able to recover.

It had been hard enough as it was.

Kaidan was distracted from sinking further into melancholy by a knock at the door, signaling his delivery. He waved the pair of humans in, gesturing toward the kitchenette, and chuckled at the bewildered looks on their faces at finding him alone in spite of the large order. "Just don't feel like cooking," he offered by way of explanation as he paid the tab, adding in a generous tip.

Once he'd closed the door behind them, Kaidan paused in the kitchen for another beer, but left the food alone for now. Reclaiming his seat, he lifted the datapad and keyed up the next letter, surprise lifting his brows as he read the next letter, considering that it wasn't from Shepard.

* * *

_Hey Kaidan,_

_Shepard mentioned she was writing to you. It was cake to hack into her 'tool and find out where she was stashing this stuff. Only a little harder to piggyback it on to the rest of what she's written so that she'll never know it's here. Don't worry, I'm not reading it._

_Okay, I lied. I did, a little. Only to make sure I put this in the right place. You're welcome for a) not telling her and b) not filling all these files with the crazy shit I've seen on the extranet, because believe me, my friend, there is some __**really**__ crazy shit out there._

_What? I have to fill the time somehow, even with that creepy-as-fuck AI watching my every move. Those Cerberus fucks'll get a show, too, if they really are watching everything._

_Thought you might appreciate this. One of the new crew managed to get Shepard into a little black dress for some cocktail party (that promptly went tits up, but you know Shepard). I knew the Commander was smokin', but I didn't realize how hot til today._

_She'd kill me if she knew I was doing this, but Shepard in a dress is a sight to behold. She was so distracted by just trying to walk that she didn't even see me snap this. Bad enough I took the picture, but if she knew I was sending it to you...I've got your back, man. You better have mine if she ever finds out._

_You're a lucky bastard, Alenko. Now where the hell are you..._

_-Joker_

* * *

That was typical Joker, Kaidan thought, chuckling once again. No surprise that he was searching the extranet for crazy images, whether he meant to throw Cerberus off his scent or not. He'd been in the co-pilot's seat on the Normandy enough to remember the pilot's habits, and his attitude.

It was the mention of a picture that had Kaidan's interest, though in some ways, he wasn't entirely sure why. He'd already seen Shepard naked...granted, it had been more than two years, but still, he couldn't imagine why seeing her in a dress would be more alluring than his memories, her lithe body coated in a fine sheen of sweat as as they basked in the afterglow...

Shaking himself back to reality took effort...those memories were far too easy to lose himself in. Who needed a greybox?

Still, his curiosity got the better of him, so he brought the image up, and nearly dropped the datapad in surprise. Joker was right, Kaidan thought, Shepard was, indeed, 'smokin.' The neckline was low enough to hint at the cleavage that her armor and uniforms usually covered, and the short skirt combined with the heels made her legs look like they were miles long. He had to hand it to Kasumi, she'd made Shepard look amazing.

Kaidan was so caught up in the whole picture that it wasn't until his third pass of careful study of Shepard's face that he noticed the scars. They'd been bad enough on Horizon, he hadn't given much thought to how much worse they must have been in the beginning. It was, he realized, rather amazing that she'd healed as much as she had by the time they'd seen one another.

Tearing his focus away from the faintly glowing scars on Shepard's face, Kaidan once again studied the whole picture for a few minutes longer before saving a copy to his omnitool. He knew he'd want to see that one again. He sat back and shook his head, grinning, and raised his beer in a toast. "Thanks, Joker. Wish I could've been there to see it in person, but I owe you one."

* * *

_Reviews welcome!_


	13. Chapter 12, Stop Laughing

**AN:** Another two-fer this week, though the reactions are a bit shorter. Also, no Joker cameo this time around. :) Sorry if the format looks weird. I think I have the right version uploaded and it looks okay to me, but the site's been a bit wonky today, and that always worries me. Thanks to all who've read, favorited, followed, and reviewed!

Disclaimer: EA and Bioware own it all.

* * *

**Chapter 12 - Stop Laughing**

Normandy, captain's quarters, leaving orbit from Korlus

_Dear Kaidan,_

_Remember at the start of the Normandy's maiden voyage, how we were all told it was a simple shakedown run and a short term deal that we'd end up completing once we got back from Eden Prime? And remember what a clusterfuck it all turned into, like we all knew it would?_

_This mission is starting to feel like it's going to be one of those._

_My latest target was a krogan warlord on yet another shithole, though this was a planet rather than a space station. I'm starting to sense a theme here. At least, this time, we were only dealing with Blue Suns, rather than Blue Suns alongside Eclipse and Blood Pack, like we were on Omega._

_We ran into Rana Thanoptis, the asari from Saren's base on Virmire...that you wouldn't remember, since you were helping Kirrahe's team with that bomb. I think I told you about her, but things were so blurry in those hours after Virmire... Regardless, she's someone we'd met once already, and she ran off "before the place blew up," because she said she knew how I worked._

_I haven't heard Garrus laugh like that for a while._

_I can't pull off an appropriately wounded tone in text, or I might attempt it._

_Much like many things I've dealt with recently, this was, in fact, a clusterfuck. I'm starting to understand why people view me as a trouble magnet._

_And thus ends my attempt at levity. Things with Okeer didn't work out very well, and now as a result, we have a baby krogan in a tank in the port cargo hold. I haven't opened the tank yet, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to. It's awfully tempting to try to contact Wrex, but given the surprise with which everyone else has greeted me, it makes me wonder what kind of reception he'll give._

_This presents a serious problem for me, though. The whole point of recruiting Okeer in the first place was his knowledge of the Collectors. He left me a message as he was dying that he had no idea what they were up to, but that's only one of my concerns right now. Anything he could have told me would have helped in trying to figure out what's going on and why this is happening._

_Instead, I have an infant krogan in a birthing tank stasis unit, who supposedly has memories imprinted in his mind, but knowing the krogan, they're all about war, and thus useful to him, but not to me in dealing with the Collectors. At least, not useful in trying to find out __**why**__ this is happening. He'd probably be able to fight them well enough, and that may be just as helpful, in the end. I still haven't decided whether I'm going to open the damn thing._

_I'm starting to wonder if someone cursed me to live in interesting times._

_I'm also beginning to wonder who decided that I was the one who could accomplish the impossible. We managed on the first Normandy, but it was a team effort, and I just don't have any faith that this team will be able to accomplish similar feats. They're not __**my**__ team, you know? I feel awful about that, especially since I'm their CO, the one they look to for guidance, but even that is laughable. I've been...gone for two years, I've lost most of the grip I might have once had on reality, and it's just..._

_Well. Things are difficult, I suppose that's the best way to sum it up. But, as I have said before, I'm not an Alliance Marine for nothing, and the N program teaches us to think on our feet, so I'll just have to draw on those skills._

_Still looking for you everywhere we go. It's strange how quickly that became a habit, even when I know we won't find you. The longer it takes, the harder it gets, but I won't give up._

_I can't._

_I have to have faith in something, or there's no point._

_-Jane_

* * *

Kaidan shook his head in amazement after finishing the latest letter. Interesting times, indeed, from the gangs to the baby krogan, but even though Shepard might not agree, she'd been a catalyst for longer than he'd known her. And that, he mused, was why everyone thought she could do the impossible. She'd managed several times already, from the Blitz to the Battle of the Citadel, and now, apparently, to coming back from the dead. Why not believe that she'd be able to stop the Collectors, too?

He vaguely recalled something about the asari in Saren's compound on Virmire, but blurry was a great way to describe how he'd felt in the days following, so he couldn't exactly count on his memory of it. Still, he couldn't fathom why an asari on Virmire had ended up in the clutches of the Blue Suns somewhere in the Terminus, unless she'd volunteered for it. Shepard's report of the asari's comment and Garrus' reaction to it made him chuckle. Not that anyone had asked, but he'd happily tell Garrus that he was on their side, things did tend to blow up around Shepard, but that's one of the things that had made serving with her ('under her,' his mind filled in, recalling their night on the way to Ilos) such a challenge. An exciting challenge, to be sure, but a challenge, nonetheless.

As for the krogan...Kaidan wasn't entirely sure how to feel about that one. He remembered well serving with Wrex, and given that Virmire was so fresh in his mind, had no trouble recalling the confrontation between them over Saren's supposed genophage cure. Wrex had been on the SR1 for months by then, though, and they'd been friends, as much as a human and a krogan could be. The newborn-in-a-tank, on the other hand, was a complete unknown. If he knew Shepard, she'd end up bringing it out, he just hoped she'd be careful with it.

After rereading the last few paragraphs, he murmured, "Have faith, Shepard. If anyone can bring them together, it's you. I just wish I could be there to see it."

* * *

Normandy, captain's quarters, leaving Purgatory

_Dear Kaidan,_

_I almost asked what was going on in the galaxy these days, that I couldn't seem to go anywhere without running into one of those blasted gangs. Then I remembered that I'm no longer flying the Alliance colors, that I'm working with a terrorist organization, that I'm working only in the Terminus Systems, and I remember why things are not entirely as they seem._

_If you hear about the destruction of a Blue Suns prison ship called Purgatory, well, now you know who to blame. (Stop laughing. I mean it. It's not like I __**try**__ to blow things up everywhere I go, it just happens.)_

_The last in this set of dossiers was the name and location, which happened to be said prison ship, of an extremely powerful biotic. We were sent to retrieve her after purchase, and the Warden decided that we were too valuable to leave alone, so we ended up having to fight our way out. It was made more, um, interesting when Jack got loose, too._

_Garrus would tell you that understatement is a gift of mine, I would think, should he read this._

_Regardless, Jack is...interesting. Definitely no fan of Cerberus, for all that the Illusive Man is the one footing the bill to break her out. The things that she can do with her biotics are pretty amazing. She's holed herself up in the bowels of the ship, beneath engineering. It'll be awhile before I'm fully comfortable with leaving her down there, I think. I'm half afraid she'll blow a hole in the hull, and then we'll all be screwed._

_It's always good to have another Cerberus enemy aboard, and Jack certainly has no fear of telling me what she thinks, even so soon after joining the crew. Perhaps I shouldn't be, but I'm rather amused that she calls Miranda the Cerberus cheerleader. She's quite right about that; thankfully, most of us have managed not to buy in, even though we're playing nice for now._

_We're still no closer to finding our next step. We're still scanning planets for minerals and salvage, since I imagine my previous belongings were doled out according to my will (and what a cheerful thought __**that**__ is), and I need something to fill my pockets and fill the time._

_Unfortunately, beyond setting course, there's not a whole lot for me to do but sit and think. I have managed to keep my fish alive so far, and watching them swim is relaxing, but I still wonder at the point of having a fish tank up here anyway._

_It's getting a little easier to believe what happened to me, to believe that it's been so long. I'm trying as best I can to keep my head above water, to keep focused on stopping the Collectors, but all this time between missions simply makes my mind wander, and that's always a dangerous thing for me._

_Time to see if I can try to sleep, I suppose. I've been getting more these days, but only because I've been staying on the couch. Dr. Chakwas assures me I'll be able to sleep on the bed someday...I really hope she's right._

_-Jane_

* * *

As Shepard had predicted, Kaidan had started laughing as he read the fate of the Blue Suns prison, but he couldn't quite suppress the chuckles, even after her admonition to stop.

He did remember hearing something about Purgatory, but he'd been on Horizon at the time, and the news report had been somewhat vague. In retrospect, Kaidan thought, that had probably been on purpose; they'd already had news of disappearing human colonies at that point, and announcing that an unknown number of dangerous criminals were adrift in space after the destruction of their prison ship might have caused panic.

Not that the colony would have been in any danger, of course, given that whole 'adrift in space' thing, but that wouldn't have stopped the colonists from being anxious about it. It had been difficult enough to be the only Alliance representative on the planet, considering their attitudes, so anything that would prevent further panic was a good thing, in his eyes.

In retrospect, he wasn't all that surprised to find that Shepard had been involved. She'd said it herself, she was a trouble magnet. And Garrus was right, she also had a gift for understatement, which she'd already displayed several times that he could remember, just in these few letters.

Kaidan read with amusement the biotic's nickname for one of the Cerberus handlers, and was glad to hear that it didn't seem the crew was buying into the Cerberus philosophy. Not all that surprising, given the organization's pro-human stance, and that a number of Shepard's new crew were aliens. All of that would probably make it easier for Shepard to take a crew of varied and unusual individuals and build a team out of them, too.

Once again, Kaidan couldn't help a faint stab of jealousy that he wasn't there. It was more than the desire to be there with **her**, though he'd have loved that, too. But of all the COs he'd served with thus far in his career with the Alliance, no one could draw a diverse group of people together better or more quickly than Shepard. Unless, perhaps, it was Anderson, who'd taught Shepard everything he knew.

Though, if he **were** there, he probably would have taken serious issue with that damned skylight. He could hardly blame Shepard for having trouble sleeping underneath it, after everything she'd been through. He still had to wonder whether Cerberus had added that 'feature' on purpose; hopefully that was just paranoia, but...

He leaned back on the couch and sighed, setting aside the datapad in favor of the beer he'd put down so he could read. While he was grateful that Shepard had sent him these letters, it didn't make them easy to get through, especially since he still had no idea where she was. The only way to remedy that was to read, though, so there was really no escaping it, and if she felt strongly enough to write it, then reading was the very least he could do. He just hoped he'd read something he could use to find out where and how to find her soon.

After a quick glance at his omnitool to check the time, he keyed up the next letter to read on.

* * *

_Reviews welcome!_


	14. Chapter 13, A Cold, Silent Place

**AN:** Much earlier in the day than usual, but I wanted to make sure this got out today and I'm not sure how much I'm going to be home later, so here you have it.

Fair warning: I'm taking a bit of artistic license here...okay, taking *more* artistic license than usual, since that's all fanfic really is. :) Anyway...as far as I know, we haven't been told how the crew on the SR1 were rescued after the attack at the beginning of ME2. If that's been explained anywhere, please feel free to let me know! This is another one of those things that has bugged me...

Also…this kind of ends on a bit of a cliffhanger. Sort of, I mean, because we all already know what happened, but still. Sorry? :) Feel free to skip this week's and read this and the upcoming chapter next week if you'd rather, I don't mind!

Disclaimer: EA and Bioware own all, but that doesn't stop my imagination running rampant. No infringement is intended.

* * *

**Chapter 13 – A Cold, Silent Place**

Normandy, captain's quarters, orbiting Alchera

_Dear Kaidan,_

_Next time you see Admiral Hackett, would you please do me the favor of punching him in the face for me?_

_Okay, perhaps you shouldn't do that, considering you're still with the Alliance and that would be rather bad for your career, which is something I don't want to jeopardize. I'll just have to figure a way to get to him myself._

_Why, you ask? I received a message from him yesterday, forwarded by Anderson, asking me to retrieve dog tags from the crew presumed KIA after the Normandy's attack. The ones for whom bodies weren't recovered._

_They thought the news that they had found the site "might be important to me." It seems very strange to me that they're just now finding it, and then Hackett's email, and I... I don't even...I don't know what to say to any of that. I'd never taken Admiral Hackett for a cruel man before today...and in reality, I still don't, though I'm not sure he understood just how difficult it would be for me to face this._

_But, face it I did, and oh, Kaidan, I thought I'd started to come to terms with what had happened to me, to us, but I haven't. I really, really haven't._

_The attack happened in the Omega Nebula, in the Amada system, which is no small irony, considering how central the Omega Nebula has become to my life recently. Once we entered the system and were close enough to see it, I didn't need anyone to tell me that Alchera was where we were headed. I will never forget the sight of that place as long as I live. It...being there...I think my sleep will be uneasy (again) for awhile._

_I will say, though, that Alchera is strangely beautiful, with its snowy white surface and its constant auroras, and it's rather amazingly silent. I went alone, even though Dr. Chakwas, Joker, and Garrus all protested. I just felt like it was something that I needed to do on my own. Some way for me to honor my crew and their sacrifice, as inadequate as I knew it would be._

_I knew that the attack had been bad, but knowing that as some logical fact and knowing it as you see just how far the trail of wreckage went are two different things. One of the biggest pieces of the outer hull on the planet is a piece which had her name, so I put the monument that Hackett wanted there. I figured it was fitting._

_It was so hard to walk the debris field, remembering so much of what happened to all of us during the hunt for Saren and Sovereign, but it was rather cathartic, too, in a way. I think it was finding the dog tags of the missing, even as much as it hurt to remember them all. But being able to deliver some small measure of closure and comfort to the families left behind...right now that's all I can do, but I'm glad I was able to do it._

_This is going to sound absolutely crazy, maybe full of mystical, woo-woo bullshit, but I think that this was really the final step in the whole...rebuild Shepard process. The last tempering flame before the blade is ready. There are things that I still want or need to do, like finding you, but being there really gave me a sense of closure that I might not have experienced otherwise. Being there, finding the tags of all the missing, walking amongst the ruined pieces of our ship, our home...it hurt so much, but I feel stronger for having been there._

_I've started plans for a memorial wall on this version of the ship, and I'm trying to find somewhere to make placards of the names of all the lost. Ashley, too, since she was such an important part of that crew, and she gave her life in service of the Normandy SR1. I don't care if the Cerberus handlers fight me on it, either. They put me in charge, they gave me the ship, they can bloody well live with what I decide to do with it and shut up about it. That way, I can make sure that our original crew will never be forgotten by anyone who serves on this ship, either._

_I also have an idea of how bad it was when I was...retrieved. I found my old helmet, and...let's just say that it's definitely some kind of miracle that I'm sitting here, alive and breathing. It's...much as I hate to say it, it's a testament to all the work that Cerberus did to rebuild me. I knew things were bad. It took two years, after all, how could it not have been? But seeing the helmet just brought it all home and made me realize it was worse than I'd thought._

_I left the helmet on my desk. I want it to be there. It's another reminder of what I've lost, but also, strangely, what I'm fighting for._

_I wish you were here, Kaidan. I'll be forever grateful that I went to Alchera alone, but now that I'm back in my quarters on my own, I could really use that shoulder._

_-Jane_

* * *

They'd had her search through the wreckage of the Normandy? Kaidan was aghast, and rather tempted to punch Admiral Hackett as she'd requested, no matter the potential damage to his career. What exactly had they been trying to prove?

And why now? It wasn't as if they'd been completely unaware of the SR1's location, no matter what they might have suggested to Shepard. Even though they'd been unable to find and retrieve the black box (no surprise, considering the huge trail of wreckage that had been left behind), they'd still had to send a cruiser to pick up the crew that had been rescued from the escape pods by the human trading crew that had found them.

(In retrospect, they'd all been damned lucky that those traders had been close enough to pick up the distress beacon, and that they'd been friendly. The Terminus wasn't exactly the safest place in the galaxy, as Shepard was finding; it was a miracle they hadn't been retrieved by batarian slavers, or worse.)

Still, the Alliance had sent a cruiser for them, and Kaidan knew that the trading vessel's captain had provided all the data they'd collected about where and when they'd heard the beacon, and where they'd found the crew, including exact locations for each of the pods. Given so many of the crew were still missing, including Shepard, the cruiser had done a quick sweep of the area on its own to check for survivors or remains and to look for that black box, to no avail. Not that anyone had been surprised, but it was all part of standard procedure.

So...they'd known where the attack occurred and where the surviving crew aboard the escape pods had been retrieved. They'd known where the debris field was, which meant that they knew it had been Alchera that the Normandy was closest to. Again, Kaidan found himself asking why this had come up now. It just didn't make any sense that they hadn't sent a survey/clean-up team out immediately after it happened, so anything Shepard was sent to look for **should** have been found two years ago. That was Kaidan's understanding of how things usually worked, especially in cases where the ship's commanding officer was still missing.

Shepard aside, Kaidan mused, the Normandy had been top-of-the-line technology and a rather expensive investment, not just in time, but in collaboration with the turians. He was rather surprised to look back on things and find that it hadn't seemed like a priority for the Alliance (or the turians, for that matter) to retrieve what information they could on the attack that had destroyed their high-end prototype frigate so they could begin working on defenses against it for the rest of the fleet.

As he kept turning it over in his mind, it seemed like they'd tried to push more than just Shepard under the rug. Hero of the Citadel, her ship, **and** her crew, all marginalized as quickly as they possibly could have been. Maybe the Normandy's destruction had seemed like a blessing in disguise to them, he'd probably never know. All of the aliens returned to wherever they'd come from as quietly as possible, all the SR1's crew swiftly reassigned...and all to completely disparate postings. He'd been in such a daze just trying to get through it all that he'd just allowed it to happen and hadn't bothered keeping track of anyone, alien or human. Why hadn't he noticed all this before?

He was actively trying not to think about what Shepard had written about the condition of her helmet. N7 gear was notoriously hard to damage; it had to be, considering all the abuse that Ns were capable of heaping upon it, all the crazy things they did and walked away from. That it was damaged enough to make her remark on it, he couldn't even imagine what it must really look like. And to keep it on her desk? She was far braver than he was. That was not the kind of reminder that he'd want to be confronted with on a daily basis, a testament to perseverance or not.

His heart and his throat clenched, too, at her mention of needing a shoulder. He remembered well the first time she'd said something like that to him, and **then** at least, he'd been able to comply. Right now, reading these letters, he'd give anything to be able to do so again, even if all she ever wanted from him again was just a shoulder. Not for the first time, Kaidan was glad that Joker and Chakwas and even Garrus were out there with her. He hoped they'd be able to provide what he couldn't.

Even so...they'd left her to face Alchera alone. Granted, she'd wanted it that way, and Kaidan imagined that Shepard's talent for understatement was on display again, because he couldn't see any of them, particularly Joker and Garrus, backing down without a huge fight. He was sure that he'd have been able to find a way to get her to allow him to go...but if he'd been there, the whole situation might have been different to begin with.

All these what-ifs were going to drive him mad, he decided. Some of them had already driven him mad, for two years or more.

Kaidan set the datapad aside and rubbed his eyes wearily before getting to his feet. His beer was empty, his stomach was making strange noises, and he needed time to process all that he'd read so far. A distraction from those what-ifs. He picked up a carton of noodles and leaned against the counter while he ate, allowing (or, perhaps, **forcing**) his mind to wander as he looked absently out the window toward the lake. The Presidium had shifted back into its daytime cycle, and the activity outside had increased, making him grateful for the soundproof glass that protected his tiny apartment.

After making short work of the meal, he settled back on the couch with as clear a head as he could manage, feet propped up in front of him, fresh beer in hand, and keyed up the next letter. It was short and to the point, and had him sitting up straight, his gut in knots.

* * *

Normandy, captain's quarters, en route to Horizon

_Dear Kaidan,_

_The Illusive Man just told me that you're on Horizon and that the Collectors are on the way there._

_Hold on, Kaidan._

_I'm coming._

_-Jane_

* * *

Kaidan had been waiting for this, had thought about skipping forward to it not all that long ago, but now that it was finally in front of him, anxiety curled in the pit of his stomach. He knew how it had ended (not well, his inner voice helpfully inserted), and he was already worried about how she'd felt about what he'd said, especially considering this tiny letter, when it seemed that all she could think about was getting to him.

He took a long swig of the beer next to him, emptying half the bottle in a single go, then took a deep breath and started to read on.

* * *

_Reviews welcome!_


	15. Chapter 14, Horizon

**AN:** Ohhh boy, folks, I am sooo sooo sorry this is late. I'd have had it posted earlier today, too, but I had work/class/exam stuff going on. I thought I'd be home from my little mini vacation thing in time Sunday to have this prepped and ready, and I feel really terrible that it's so late, especially since I left the last chapter where I did. If I'd known how this trip was going to mess me up, I'd have waited to drop the cliffhanger bomb. I'll have the next chapter up on Sunday as usual, come hell or high water. Thanks so much to everyone who's read, favorited, and followed, and most especially to those who have reviewed!

Disclaimer: EA and Bioware own all.

* * *

**Chapter 14 – Horizon**

Normandy, captain's quarters, orbiting Horizon

_Dear Kaidan,_

_"It's been a long time, Kaidan. How've you been?" What the hell was I thinking? If I didn't know better, I'd think Cerberus actually did implant me with a damn control chip. I've been assured by Miranda (who I don't believe) and Dr. Chakwas (who I do) that my brain is my own and the only hardware anywhere in here is the synthetic bone replacement, though, so all of that is on my stupid self._

_Kaidan, I'm so sorry. I wish I'd said something else._

_It was just such a relief to see you, to find that they hadn't taken you, and felt __**so good**__ to be in your arms. I couldn't even think of anything beyond that._

_But you said your share of things, too. I wish there were some way for me to convince you that I'm not a traitor. That I haven't betrayed you. That you've always been in my thoughts, in my heart. You were the last thought I had just before I died, the first thought I had when they woke me back up, and I've been thinking of you constantly ever since._

_I thought...well. I didn't know what to think. I really did die. Some of the debris from the last explosion nicked my O2 tube, and the momentum from the blast knocked me toward Alchera. I don't know whether I entered atmo, no one will tell me (though the shape my old helmet is in gives me a clue), but that's probably for the best. I don't remember much, a fact for which I am extremely grateful._

_But when I...woke up, I thought for a moment I was in an Alliance facility. I thought I'd see you, hear you telling Chakwas that I was waking up again, like you had after Eden Prime. I was all prepared to haul you onto that medical bed with me and lay into you with the world's biggest kiss, regs be damned, but..._

_I've already written about that. I wasn't in an Alliance facility, I'd been "retrieved" and "resurrected" by Cerberus._

_It's all The Illusive Prick's fault. He's the one who started rumors that I was alive, that I'd never died, that I was working with Cerberus. He made sure they'd get back to you, to turn you against me...__**you**__, Kaidan, not the Alliance, though that was a side benefit. He wanted to turn __**you**__ against me, all so that I'd "put aside any previous entanglements." Like you were nothing, like what we had was nothing, just an obstacle that needed to be overcome. A weakness to be addressed and eliminated._

_I'm so...words can't express how that man infuriates me._

_You were never my weakness, Kaidan, never. You were...you __**are**__ my strength. Always._

_I don't blame you for not trusting me. I don't blame you for hating me. I think I've kind of been preparing myself for this reaction since the beginning. If the positions were reversed, maybe I'd feel the same way, I don't know. I don't think I could ever hate you, though. But I...I don't even want to think about how I'd feel if the positions were reversed. The thought of losing you... that... I can't..._

_[File change logs indicate that there were several attempts to finish that sentence followed by a sizable time gap before the entry was completed.]_

_I can't help but hope that someday we'll get past all this. I doubt it'll ever come to pass, though, much as that hurts. Even if I'm not working __**for**__ Cerberus, they're still a necessary evil right now, as much as I hate that...believe me, I do hate it with an unquenchable fire that I'm trying to use as motivation to stop these bastard Collectors, but I just don't know if there's any getting past that. I hope there is. But..._

_I'm rambling now and I don't mean to be. I'm just trying to say that I understand. As much as it broke my heart to hear you say those things to me, I'm beginning to...no. No, I really do think that I deserved them._

_Take care of yourself, Kaidan. The world is a better place with you in it. The Alliance is lucky to have you._

_Farewell,_

_-Jane_

* * *

Once he finished the letter, Kaidan had to set the datapad aside and force himself to breathe, since it felt like he hadn't managed a single one for the time it had taken him to read. His thoughts were such a blur that it was hard to isolate any single reaction, so to give himself yet more time, he drank the rest of his beer in small, measured sips.

Not that it helped.

That last paragraph, that last **word** before her name...his stomach clenched painfully at the thought that Shepard appeared to be ready to say goodbye. That perhaps she **had** said goodbye, that this letter was the last she'd written to him, that the remaining letters on that datapad weren't from her, but from someone else. And to think, he'd told her in his own missive that he'd tried to move on with his life. As if there was any moving on from her.

Perhaps eating hadn't been the best of ideas, Kaidan thought wryly, as his gut rumbled in discontent once again. Too bad, too, that the only alcohol he had in this tiny apartment was all this beer. He should've ordered something stronger.

It'd be so easy to say that Shepard's greeting had been the catalyst, and it certainly hadn't **helped**, but that hadn't been the only reason for his reaction. By the time they'd met on Horizon, the rumors about her survival and defection had been flying fast and furious, and he'd been doing his best to quell them whenever they came up. He'd lost count of the number of times he'd defended her by then, and he knew that there were a few people out there listening, but there was no way to convince everyone. He'd been fresh off another round of Let's Protect Shepard's Memory when Lilith had asked him for a project update, and then the Collectors had come, and when he'd finally escaped the stasis field those bugs had trapped him in and there she was...

Kaidan had dreamt of seeing Shepard alive many times in the two years since her death, and he'd always thought that all he'd want to do was take her into his arms and never let go. He'd managed that first part, and she was right, too...it had felt **so good** to have her in his arms again. But the second part of his 'if she's really alive' plan had been derailed, first by anger that she'd survived somehow and hadn't contacted him, then by the sudden brick wall of Cerberus between them. He wasn't proud of it, looking back, but that anger had given all those rumors a foothold, and it had been such a change to feel **something**, even if it was anger at the one person he loved most, that it was easier just to hang onto it and let that wall turn into something huge.

He'd been so easily fooled, he realized, reclaiming the datapad to re-read the letter. His eyes skipped from paragraph to paragraph aimlessly, back and forth, and he shook his head, sighing heavily. He didn't really know how, but Cerberus had known him well enough, had known Shepard well enough to know exactly how to manipulate the both of them into doing exactly what they wanted. He'd played right into their hands without even realizing it, they both had. The things he'd said, that letter he'd written, the way he'd treated her, especially now that he knew she'd been looking for him and had been trying to contact him...

Suddenly restless, Kaidan leapt to his feet and began pacing his tiny apartment, from the kitchenette to the foot of the bed and back again, barely glancing at the window as he passed. He stopped mid-stride, frozen, as he recalled her mention of how she'd died, and he dropped heavily to the floor. Loss of oxygen, exposure to extreme cold, possible re-entry and exposure to extreme heat, not to mention the fact that the ship had been **attacked**...

It was like finding out that Joker was alone in his escape pod all over again. This time, at least, he knew she was still alive...or **was** a couple of days ago when she'd sent these letters. Still, though, she'd **died**, and not in any kind of merciful or painless kind of way, and it left him feeling powerless once again.

He wasn't sure how long he sat there on the floor, but it was long enough to make his feet tingle with returning blood flow once he stood back up. He stretched a moment and shifted from foot to foot, then made his way toward the sleeping area. There wasn't a lot of storage space in these tiny apartments, but he'd managed to store a long, slender box containing a few personal effects under the bed. It wasn't much, but it was convenient, and enabled him to keep a few things without having to look at them all the time. Out of sight, out of mind, he thought wryly. With a glance toward the couch and the datapad he'd left behind, he pulled the box out and set it atop the narrow bed before opening it.

The last time this box had been opened, Kaidan mused, was more than two years ago, just after the SR1 was destroyed. After Shepard's funeral, in fact, and thinking of that made him pause, waiting to feel the inevitable pang of loss he always felt when he remembered the service, only to be surprised when it didn't materialize. He hadn't exactly been at his best that day, he recalled. None of them had.

Opening the box in an attempt to put the memories of Shepard's funeral aside, Kaidan sifted through the box's contents. Moving aside the mementos from home, he pulled out a framed photograph, the only reminder of his time aboard the SR1. The picture had been taken after the Battle of the Citadel, and it was just a quick snapshot of Shepard between himself and Joker, all three with wide grins on their faces and arms slung around one another's shoulders. Liara had been the one to take the picture, and had given Kaidan a copy after Shepard's funeral, and he hadn't been able to decide then whether he loved or hated her for it. He'd kept it on a bedside table for two days before it had been too painful to keep looking at her beautiful smiling face, and it had been in the box ever since.

He ran his fingers over Shepard's face in the picture and set it back on the bedside table before heading back out to the couch and the datapad to skim the letter a third time. "You didn't deserve that, Shepard," he said, caught near the end once again, though it was a bit odd to be startled by his own voice in the quiet apartment. "I was an ass."

After a few moments and another quick glance toward the picture he'd put beside his bed, he sighed. There was only one way to find out whether she'd stopped writing, as he was worried she might have done, and that was to read on.

* * *

_Hey pinhead,_

_I heard what you said to Shepard down on Horizon, Alenko. Finding you has been the biggest thing keeping her putting one foot in front of the other. Now she's lost that. Good job, genius._

_I saw her face when she got back to the ship. These Cerberus weasels don't know her as well as Chakwas, Garrus, and I do, so they couldn't tell just how hard it was for her to hold herself together. I'm amazed she hasn't cracked yet. I'm glad that some of us, the ones who really believe in her, will be here when it happens so we can try and pick up the pieces._

_I can't believe you managed to make her feel like she's betrayed you and the Alliance. Chakwas and I have spent __**weeks**__ trying to talk her out of that. All it took was a few words from you and boom, back to square one._

_News flash for you, you idiot biotic, she was DEAD. It's not like she asked Cerberus to bring her back, and you know how she is, man, nothing gets her back up faster than being told innocent people are being hurt. They trapped her, just like they trapped the rest of us, but we're trying like hell to fix it and get the fuck out._

_If anyone can stop this crazy shit, it's Shepard. Or it was, until you fucked with her head. Who knows how long it'll take her to pull herself up after this one._

_I'd keep an eye out for Vakarian if I were you. He's pretty hacked off at you and he's one hell of a sniper, just in case you don't remember._

_Shepard's the better person here, so she wouldn't want me to say this, but right now she's not talking to me (or anyone, have I twisted the knife enough yet? Nah, I don't think so), so I'll type it anyway. I hope reading this gives you a migraine, ass. Small payment for what you've done to her._

_Don't talk to me again, ever, unless you pull your head out._

_-Joker_

* * *

In spite of the pilot's venomous tone, Kaidan couldn't help but chuckle upon finishing Joker's letter. Even though they hadn't seen one another in more than a year, he could still hear Joker's voice echoing in his head as he read, and knew exactly how every bit of it would sound.

Now his heart was joining his stomach in the clenching chorus; he could imagine how Shepard must have looked once she returned to the ship after their encounter on Horizon, but reading it was even worse. The warning about Garrus and his abilities as a sniper were similarly unnecessary, and if Shepard and the turian had remained as friendly as they had been on the SR1, it wasn't that big a leap that Kaidan might be on a target list somewhere.

Joker was certainly right about Shepard, too; anything involving innocents being harmed pulled her in right away, and the Collectors were certainly doing that. Although he'd already started to realize just how wrong he'd been, the hits just kept on coming. He just hoped he'd eventually find a way to apologize...and perhaps not only to Shepard, either.

Luckily, Kaidan thought, he hadn't had to worry about migraines (yet), but he was starting to think that Joker's hope for one might be justified. On the other hand, if he was drugged up and laid out, he wouldn't be able to keep reading...

He queued up the next file and felt his brows lift in surprise as he read.

* * *

_Kaidan,_

_Although Jeff believes I should send you the multitude of files that Cerberus provided me on Commander Shepard's retrieval and rebuilding, I have decided against doing so. It would be a violation of doctor/patient privilege first and foremost, but more importantly, I also do not believe that it would do either of you any good in the long run, and may in fact do some lasting harm. The files themselves are in rather horrific detail; alongside the video and images of her reconstruction, they're not something that anyone who has ever cared about her should see. If there were a way to block those images from my mind, I would do so in a heartbeat._

_I will tell you, however, that their files clearly indicated that, when she was recovered, Commander Shepard was deceased. Suffocation due to a severed oxygen tube coupled with exposure to extreme temperatures, both cold and heat, have a terrible effect on the human body. Somehow, they've managed to bring her back; I've reviewed all the medical data they've provided, and as astounding as it is, it's also quite true._

_I can also assure you that she is, in fact, Commander Shepard, and that she has not been implanted with a greybox, control chip, or any other device that Cerberus might have envisioned to try and bring her to heel. The Illusive Man made quite clear in the project's files that the goal was to restore her exactly as she was, and it seems as though he was successful._

_You may wonder why I am writing to you at all then, if I am not including the files and other media provided by Cerberus, so please allow me to explain. Your involvement with the Commander on the Normandy SR-1 was of no surprise to those of us among the crew who knew you best. While some kept it to themselves out of respect for the Commander, others of us felt that you were a good match, and were happy to see that you had found one another._

_I hope to see the day when you find yourselves drawn together again; it is my firm belief that you were meant to be together, if you'll allow an old woman her romantic fantasies._

_This does not mean, young man, that I will not bend your ear about your treatment of her when I see you next, however!_

_All the best, Cdr. Alenko._

_Karin Chakwas_

* * *

Perhaps it was inappropriate, but Kaidan couldn't help another wry chuckle at the phrasing in at the beginning of the doctor's letter. He could well imagine that Cerberus had only 'provided' her the files because she'd harangued them into doing it. He wouldn't expect anything different. He'd already come to the conclusion that Shepard was herself, but it was nice to have the doctor's buy-in, too.

As to the rest, he hadn't realized that they'd been as obvious as that on the SR1. Granted, hiding **anything** on a small ship in the vast galaxy was next to impossible, especially since it wasn't exactly like anyone could go outside to get away from it all unless they were all on shore leave, and that had almost never happened, but still. That he and Shepard were more than obvious about what had been between them was a bit embarrassing.

Not that he was embarrassed of **her**, but rather that if they'd been officially caught breaking regs, things could've gone very poorly for both of them. Kaidan was sure that most, if not all, of the good will that they'd earned that had the crew keeping their mouths shut was down to Shepard. The amount of loyalty she inspired in her crew was nothing short of amazing.

And he, too, could only hope that the doctor was right, that he and Shepard would find themselves back together again, even in spite of everything. He just wasn't sure how to make that happen. Even with all of these letters, he still didn't know if she'd received the one he sent or how she reacted to it.

Not to mention that one tiny detail: he still had **no idea** where she was or what she was doing. Or if she'd continued to write.

And speaking of that…it was cheating, perhaps, but he brought up the next letter solely to check the bottom to see whether it was from Shepard, and frowned, bemused. It was Shepard, he thought, but it was no letter at all…

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_Reviews welcome!_


	16. Chapter 15, Aftermath

**AN:** Made it! Fair warning, this one's shorter than the last. Thanks for all the lovely reviews! At least one answer tonight and some of the other comments may be addressed in the future. :) Next week's chapter will likely be around the same time as this one (I'm out of town again, but will have internet access), but it depends on how quickly it gets polished and done.

Disclaimer: EA and Bioware own all, I just write what comes to me based on their amazing inspiration.

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**Chapter 15 - Aftermath**

Normandy, captain's quarters, en route to the Far Rim

[There is no 'Dear Kaidan' header to this file and it seems to be written as a straight journal entry.]

_I got another packet of dossiers after the ... events of...the past few days, in that place I can't bring myself to name, as stupid as that might seem._

_At first, I wanted to tell him to go screw himself, but then I got a look at some of the people that he's asking me to recruit. We're on our way to the Far Rim right now; it's geth space, but it's not as if some of us haven't fought plenty of geth before, and since it means getting another one of my former crewmembers aboard, another person I can trust implicitly, I'm all for it._

_I'm having difficulty making this entry. I'm torn between being devastated at what happened on that awful planet and being head-splittingly furious with the Illusive Jerk. So angry, in fact, that I can't even go back and think of a better nickname. Just...I'm not exactly the most pleasant person to be around right now._

_He set me up. He set Kaidan up. He knew this would happen, knew they were trying to find me, and were going to use whatever they could to get me. I am beyond furious that he would use __**anyone**__ I care about for bait, much less someone who meant as much to me as Kaidan did._

_And how the hell did they even __**know**__ how much Kaidan meant to me? That thought has, quite frankly, plagued me since the beginning, since I saw his picture on my desk._

_I'm worried as hell that we weren't as discreet as we thought, and I hope that hasn't caused him problems with his career. Why would they have put him...there in the first place? Was it some kind of punishment for breaking regs? Except that the jackass said he had a hand in Kaidan being there, which means their reach extends further than I thought. The idea that there are people in the Alliance government who are willingly working with them, even now after everything that they've done...and that it's someone with enough power to influence Kaidan's assignment...that's a frightening thought._

_I wish I could have done more to save the colony. Garrus keeps telling me not to blame myself, that I did everything I could, but still, watching that ship fly away, I felt like a complete failure. I still do. The weight of that along with everything else...it's just crushing. Especially since I do feel like it's my fault. There were only two thoughts running through my head while I was there: Stop the Collectors to save the colonists, and where's Kaidan. But it was 'where's Kaidan' that was drumming through my head the loudest, especially after we passed through the garage and didn't see anyone at all. Started to hear it every time my boots hit the ground as we ran. I'm so..._

_When I saw him there and safe, I can't even describe the relief I felt. I thought I'd fall over from it._

_Still, my mind circles back to those two emotions: heartbreak and rage. I've known all along that the Illusive Prick knows more than he lets on, but I never thought it would turn out like this. Which really only makes me a fool. I should have known better, there's been no trust here, even from the beginning, so why I thought that any of my former crew would be safe from Cerberus and their machinations, I don't know. It's a very bitter pill._

_At the same time, I wonder where **my** lieutenant went. The lieutenant I knew back on the original Normandy wouldn't have turned away from me without allowing me to explain. To be fair, since I had Jacob with me, there wasn't a whole lot of explaining I could have done, given how closely they monitor me._

_Even so...we used to be...close. How hard is it to take something on faith, at least for a few minutes?_

_But to ask him that would be to make him less than he is, and I certainly don't want that._

_Once again, I am talking myself in circles, so I think it's time to focus my attentions elsewhere._

_I went back to the Citadel as soon as we left. Kaidan said he was making a report, but I wanted to talk to Councilor Anderson myself. I was...a bit upset. He used Kaidan and his connection to me, just as much as the Illusive Man did, and that he felt so strongly that he couldn't trust me...I get that two years is a long time, but these are the people that knew me best. Anderson has been part of my life for as long as I can remember, given the family history in the Alliance navy. It's..._

_The weight of all my decisions, all my mistakes, all the choices that were made for me...it's starting to get heavy._

_We are on our way to the Far Rim to go find Tali'Zorah, and I hope like hell she'll consent to join me. I could use another friendly face around, and I've always liked Tali. When we saw her on Freedom's Progress, I almost didn't recognize her. The years have treated her well._

_The mission has become my focus now, the last task I need to complete, though it's been a huge effort to remind myself of that. It's still a work in progress, I don't mind admitting in the privacy of my own space._

_I wanted __**so badly**__ to find Kaidan. I did. It didn't turn out the way I'd hoped...in fact, it's hard to imagine a way in which it could have been worse. It seems that his focus is elsewhere now, so I should do the same._

_I just wish it didn't feel like my chest was in a vise grip every time I tried to take a breath._

* * *

Kaidan sat back and blew out a heavy breath as he finished reading Shepard's latest file. It was only fair, he supposed, that he felt like Wrex was sitting on his chest, given what Shepard had gone through after Horizon. He'd already read the letter she wrote immediately afterwards, but still hadn't realized just how badly she'd been affected. Nearly as bad as he'd been in those first few days, come to think of it. The only reason he'd ended up working with Anderson in the Embassy was to get him out of his tiny apartment. In those first days after Horizon, it had been like he'd lost her all over again, and he'd only recently been able to

He also hadn't been prepared for the sting of a journal entry rather than a letter. He'd had them for less than a day, had only started to scratch the surface of what had been written, but he'd already become used to the idea that Shepard was writing to *him*, not just cataloguing her journeys, and to lose even that small bit of personal connection so soon made that Wrex-sized lump in his chest grow that much heavier.

Though she'd likely be angry to hear him say it, Kaidan couldn't help but be glad to see the strong emotions she had about the Cerberus chief. She'd said before that she was wary, that she hadn't changed, but her reactions were further proof of it, and that more than anything else confirmed that she really was the Shepard that he remembered.

She was right, too, that '**her**' lieutenant had changed. He'd had to, and he was sure it wasn't her intent, but that knife just kept digging deeper as he read, enough that he got to his feet once again to refresh his beer and to put some distance between him and that datapad.

Pacing the floor of his small apartment once again, Kaidan wasn't sure how to feel about all he'd learned about Horizon. He was happy Shepard was alive, but the cost seemed like such a heavy price to pay. Under constant surveillance, forced to recruit unknowns (for the most part) for an entirely new team in an effort to replicate the success they'd had against Saren on another seemingly insurmountable task, and who knew what else, on *top* of having to deal with the loss of her ship, her crew, and the fact that two years had passed for everyone else.

Shepard brought up a good point, he realized, about his assignment to Horizon. The request had come from Councilor Anderson, but he'd never thought to ask if the order had originated with anyone else. He couldn't imagine Anderson in league with Cerberus, and he'd been working closely enough with the Councilor lately that he'd most likely have caught anything suspicious by now. Unfortunately, that only eliminated one possible suspect and left the door wide open for a variety of others...not that there was much he could do about it today, sequestered in his apartment as he was. Kaidan knew he'd be too distracted by these letters to try and mull it over in the immediate term, but it was something he could bring to Anderson's attention at some point soon, depending on the answers he'd try to get about the Horizon assignment.

He had a few things to discuss with Anderson, Kaidan realized, eyes narrowing as he recalled Shepard's entry. The Councilor hadn't mentioned that Shepard had come back to the Citadel after Horizon, Kaidan hadn't even known she'd been there, though he wasn't entirely certain what he'd have done or said if he **had **known.

After another circuit of the furniture, he shook his head, baffled. Anderson suspected their involvement on the SR1, but didn't know anything for sure, so Kaidan had no idea how Cerberus, of all people, had managed to figure it out. The news that she had a picture of him somewhere summoned a quick, fleeting smile, but trying to figure out how they'd known chased it off again.

And, after all he'd read and all he had yet to read, he still had no idea why Shepard had sent this to him. He couldn't imagine that she'd intended it this way, but he was **still **left with more questions than answers...and a burning desire to see her again, but that had been constant, even since her death, so that wasn't anything new.

He'd lost count of how many times he'd asked it, but couldn't help but voice the question again: "Where **are **you, Shepard?"

At least she'd have another ally in Tali, Kaidan thought, provided the quarian consented to join her. He couldn't imagine that Tali would say no, though; he couldn't think of a single member of that crew who wouldn't join her again, if they'd had the chance.

'Except you,' his inner narrative chimed in, prompting a wince. He was only just starting to realize what an idiot he'd been, and the thought made him sit heavily back down on the couch. Not only did it seem that Shepard had stopped writing directly to him, but Joker was right, he really would have to keep an eye out for Garrus.

Muffling a groan around the rim of the newest beer bottle at the thought of being the target of the former C-sec turian sniper, Kaidan resolved to keep that in mind as he picked up the datapad to read on.

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_Reviews welcome!_


	17. Chapter 16, Who Needs a Phone

**AN: **Once again, I'm sorry this is late, AND shorter than most of the more recent updates. Crazy work weeks + final papers + traveling for the weekend = not a good combination. Thanks, always, to everyone who's reading and most especially to those who review. Next chapter will be up at the normal Sunday time, and may be something a wee bit different...

Disclaimer: EA and Bioware still own them, I'm just messing around.

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**Chapter 16 - Who Needs A Phone To Drunk-Dial?**

Normandy, captain's quarters, en route to Illium

_[A few changes have been made to correct typing to make sure someone other than me can read this, but otherwise, it's exactly as I wrote it, no matter how much it makes me cringe now. -JS]_

_Dear Kaidan,_

_Probably a surprise to find me still writing, even after what happened on Horizon, huh?_

_Garrus is pretty put out with you, by the way._

_And, um, I might be a tiiiny bit drunk._

_That's all Kasumi's fault, but whatever she was mixing, it sure tasted good. Yum._

_Surprised I can still type, actually, so maybe it's more than just a tiny bit._

_We were talking about you, y'know. That's why I was drinking. I like Kasumi. It's kind of neat, to have a girlfriend to talk to. I mean. A girl who's a friend. Haven't had that since Ash, and even then, she...I loved Ashley like a sister. But she was kind of hard to get. Had her prickly moments, made her hard to like...like a sister, I guess. Kasumi's different. Just a friend. A really good friend. Brilliant tech, too. You'd like her...maybe. If you could get past her being a thief and all._

_I don't blame you about Horizon, but I still feel like my heart got ripped out of my chest._

_Didn't know what I was thinking. Can't believe I thought it'd be easy when I saw you again. Knew better._

_Oh, Kaidan, I miss you so much. Keep thinking I'll see you here on this new Normandy. 'Cept there's a real cook for the mess, and he's where your station used to be. I think he wonders why I look over there every time I'm down there. Can't help that I keep expecting to see you._

_Ugh, I just had a horrible thought. I hope he doesn't think I'm interested in him. Have to try to remember not to do that anymore._

_But what was I saying? Garrus. Right._

_Garrus is pretty put out with you, by the way. Wait, did I say that already? But he is. He's a really good friend, you know? He's really pissed about Horizon. Angry at you on my behalf. He can't figure out why, if he can trust me, you can't._

_Sometimes I gotta wonder that same thing myself. Except I get it. I do._

_Doesn't mean I like it. But I get it._

_Even though I wish you would. Trust me, I mean._

_Hurts to think how right you were. That I betrayed the Alliance. That I betrayed you, especially._

_And you loved me...loved. I'm still so hung up on that. __**Loved**__ me. Past tense. As in...used to, but don't anymore._

_Why not just shoot me? That'd be quicker. Less painful._

_But maybe I should be feeling it. This hurt. Except I think I'd drink a lot more often if I did. Have to try and forget somehow._

_Don't want to forget you, though. You were the best thing that ever happened to me._

_Oh, I'm gonna regret drinking so much tomorrow. Have to go to Illium, we're already on our way there, which means I really better put this away so I can sleep, even though I don't want to._

_This is about the closest I feel to you now. I have a picture of you, did you know that? It's here on my desk, and it only turns on when I get close. I started making excuses to come up here when I get messages, so I can see it. I sit here while I type, trying to figure out what you'd say if you read what I was writing about._

_Maybe I should stop. Looking at the picture, I mean. Hurts now. Even though you're right. What you said on Horizon, that is._

_Really need to sleep now. Guess I'll go do that._

_-Jane_

* * *

Kaidan eyed the datapad in surprise at the note that opened Shepard's latest letter. He couldn't remember his Commander ever being impaired in any way, so to see her send something she'd apparently written while she was drunk was a shock. He was so surprised, in fact, that it took him a few minutes to realize that it **was **a letter, and seeing that, he let out a breath he hadn't realized he was holding. It was quite a surprise to find her still writing to him after Horizon, but he wasn't about to complain.

He winced at her comments about Garrus. He knew already he was at the top of Garrus' shit list, but if it was bad enough that the turian had shown that emotion to Shepard, things were worse than Kaidan had thought. Idly, he wondered if there was any way to get a message to the former C-Sec officer, but that thought was little more than a flash in the pan, something to be noted and mulled over later as he continued to read.

Shepard's comments on Ashley left him with a bittersweet smile. Although they'd grown close as comrades in arms will, Ashley definitely hadn't been someone he'd consider a bosom companion, but sometimes it had seemed to him that she preferred things that way. Maybe part of that was because she'd lost her entire squad on Eden Prime.

It seemed that Shepard was definitely making friends, though, which he'd figured would happen. He had no qualms about Kasumi, either, given that she'd been the one who'd managed to get Shepard into that dress, which he still hadn't forgotten about. He really did owe Joker big for sending along that picture.

Kaidan couldn't help but chuckle at Shepard's realization about the cook, and the idea that her version of the _Normandy _was so much larger than the first that they had room for a kitchen and staff.

Propping his feet up, Kaidan retrieved his beer and sighed as he re-read the rest of the letter. He could understand why Garrus was angry that he hadn't given Shepard the benefit of the doubt, even for only a moment or two to let her explain. The shock of seeing her alive had been so profound, though, that it had either been let his temper flare, or let his biotics flare, and that might have had an even more devastating result. Either way, Shepard and Garrus were right, and Kaidan could only hope that he wasn't going to spend the rest of his life paying for it.

That Shepard felt she might deserve the awful things he'd said made Kaidan shake his head in denial. No matter how he felt about Cerberus, there was no way she'd deserve that, ever.

Sighing again, Kaidan set the datapad aside and rubbed his eyes. He was grateful for the letters, for the insight into Shepard's mindset after she'd been brought back by Cerberus, but it was also a rather large amount of overload, too, both informational and emotional. He'd have to stop and digest at some point, he realized, or he'd never be able to get through it all.

It was almost too bad he'd told Anderson that he had a migraine, in retrospect. A bit of physical activity, more than he'd be able to get in his tiny apartment, would be a welcome thing right now. Without that outlet... Kaidan looked back at the datapad on the couch next to him and picked it up, but rather than reading on, he scrolled back to the beginning, brow furrowed in thought.

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_Reviews welcome!_


	18. Interlude, Kaidan

AN: Just watched an episode of Criminal Minds guest starring Brandon Keener (voice of Garrus) as a child molester/murderer. Hello, cognitive dissonance, how nice to see you, because...wow. C-Sec officer to child killer? So bizarre to hear Garrus and his voice in that role. Anyway...a very short one this week, and back to the letters next time. For now, it's all Kaidan, all the time.

Disclaimer: Bioware and EA own all, I'm just playing.

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**Interlude - Kaidan**

Though Kaidan picked up the datapad again with the intent of reading from the beginning, it didn't take long before he'd set it aside again. As anxious as he'd been to read all of Shepard's letters as soon as he possibly could, he found himself wanting and needing a break instead. At first, he distracted himself with mindless tasks: dumping his empty beer bottles, stowing the food that he hadn't eaten but would want later, making his bed, anything that would keep his hands occupied and his mind blank.

Once he'd run out of tasks, however, he was left standing near the window, looking back toward the couch, almost afraid to return and resume reading once again. Shepard was still writing even after Horizon, that was something, and he couldn't deny that it meant a great deal to him, but just reading through everything she'd done so far was exhausting. He wanted to know what she was doing, wanted to make sure (as much as he could) that she was well and doing what she could to come back to him and the Alliance, but that didn't make those letters any easier to read. As for what she was going through...he couldn't imagine actually having to **live** through all that craziness, especially not with Cerberus watching her every move.

It was **that** thought that spurred him into action. He remembered hearing Anderson mention that Shepard had uploaded a ton of Cerberus data to the Alliance on one of her missions, though Kaidan didn't recall the full details. Shepard had also been giving him clues about who she was with, where she'd been, and even a little bit about the organization, so why not try to pull it all together? He doubted that had been her intent all along, but as he'd thought to himself often over the past day, it **was **Shepard, and she'd always been at least four steps ahead of everyone else. Maybe it'd turn out to be nothing, maybe Anderson and the Alliance would have everything already, but sifting through it all would probably help him as he continued to read, so why not?

He pulled the datapad over to his desk, pressing the button on the lip of the writing surface to move it from small blank space to (still small) integrated workstation. It didn't take long to list all the names she'd provided, along with their affiliation (or lack thereof) with Cerberus. Places were harder, but as plotted them all, he realized that she had already criss-crossed back and forth across the Terminus quite a bit, save for her trips back to the Citadel and her single trip to Horizon, so she was staying within the boundaries of her agreement with the Council.

He still didn't have much in the way of information about how Cerberus was organized, beyond knowing that The Illusive Man was in charge, which the Alliance was already aware of. Miranda and Jacob, though, were names that were unfamiliar to him...not that Kaidan had a lot of insight into the Alliance's investigations of Cerberus anymore, but still. They also had a lot more money and resources than anyone knew, given that they'd apparently been able to resurrect Shepard. That kind of thing was supposed to be impossible, so he could only imagine how much it had cost, not only in terms of money and hard resources, but in terms of human time investment. Either Cerberus was wealthy beyond measure or the organization was much larger than anyone had realized, or both.

It was the Alliance connections with Cerberus that gave him the most concern. Cerberus had rebuilt the Normandy, they'd pulled Joker and Dr. Chakwas into their orbit, and they'd had a heavy hand in his assignment to Horizon. He doubted that Joker and the doctor were the direct result of an Alliance higher-up giving information to Cerberus, but it was hard to deny that the Normandy and Horizon could be. While Anderson might not care all that much about where Shepard was now, and he'd have to know that the Normandy had been rebuilt and not by the Alliance, he'd certainly want to know about the Horizon issue. Hackett, too, would be interested in that one, Kaidan mused, given his position in the military.

Hell, Kaidan thought, Hackett might be interested in all of this anyway, since he'd been contacting Anderson pretty frequently to ask after Shepard since she first reappeared on the Citadel. He wasn't entirely sure why, but the Admiral did seem to be paying a lot of attention to her...and he'd asked her to go to the Normandy's crash site. There had to be something he was missing there, he just wasn't sure what it was, nor did he have any idea how to go about searching. Maybe it had something to do with who her parents were? That was something to file away for later research, he supposed.

Scrolling back to the most recent file, his eyes drifted over it once again and Kaidan shook his head, smiling faintly. Drunk Shepard, that was a new one. Ashley had tried a few times to get the Commander to let her hair down, but it hadn't ever worked, not that he was all that surprised. Even during their brief shore leave after the Battle of the Citadel, she hadn't really indulged. She'd been happy enough without any help, he thought, glancing back toward the bedside table where he'd left the framed photo of himself alongside Shepard and Joker.

His eyes dropped to the bottom of the file once again and he ran his fingers over the datapad's surface, thoughtful and suddenly somewhat puzzled. He'd been glossing over the way she'd signed all these letters thus far, but it suddenly hit him. He'd always known that Shepard's first name was Jane, of course, but he couldn't recall ever **saying** it, certainly not to her. She'd always just been "Shepard," and neither of them had a problem with it...not that he knew of, anyway. Why, then, had she used her first name to sign all these?

He'd just have to add that question to the list, Kaidan realized, sighing. By the time he saw her again (if you ever do, his pessimistic side chimed), he'd probably have a list a mile long.

After pressing a quick series of keys to save his work, Kaidan turned his workstation back to the boring desk, heaved himself out of the uncomfortable desk chair, and stopped for a fresh beer before he re-settled on the couch to read on.

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_Reviews welcome!_


	19. Chapter 17, The Morning After

**Chapter 17 - The Morning After**

Normandy, captain's quarters, orbiting Illium

_Dear Kaidan,_

_I have to confess, I'm rather embarrassed at that last letter. Why leave it in? Well, it is rather honest, in its own way._

_Why continue to write after everything that's happened? Someone should know the truth of what has happened to me, in my own words, and who better than the one person who knew me best? Even if you think you don't know me right now, you do. All I can do is hope that all of these letters have made that clear._

_You can thank Garrus, too, though as I mentioned while I was...impaired, he's rather put out with you right now, so perhaps that should wait for awhile. But he reminded me why I was writing in the first place, which is something I really needed._

_Tali is with us now. There's something odd going on out there in the Far Rim, but the quarians are still analyzing that data, so we won't know what's really happening for awhile, and that's only if they decide to update the rest of us. If they ever __**do**__ consent to sharing, it will certainly not be with Cerberus, but that's a story for another time._

_I'll take Tali ground-side with me as much as I'm able, but Garrus is already a staple on the ground team, and bringing Tali leaves us without any biotics, whether for defense or offense. Working with you taught me the value of having a biotic on the team, so I hope to be able to either find someone I can trust, or hope to adjust to life without. I keep toying with the idea of bringing Jack, but she's so volatile..._

_I've been presented with a very interesting dilemma, speaking of trust and the lack of it around here. Miranda, one of the Cerberus handlers, has asked me for a personal favor, and...I'm not sure what to do._

_That's a lie. I know I'll end up helping her, because that's just the way I am, but it feels really odd to be doing so. She's part of my crew only in the loosest sense; I haven't brought her on a ground mission since Omega, and she's still Cerberus...it'd be so easy to say no based on that. It's tempting, even, because I don't want her to think that agreeing to help her means I approve of what Cerberus has done or the methods with which they do things._

_On the other hand, she came to me as an individual, as someone who needs help. Given that I'm sure she knows how I feel about this whole debacle, it took a lot for her to come forward._

_I suppose that's one of the things that makes me easy bait. I'll do anything for my crew, even if they're not strictly mine._

_Maybe this is the push she'll need to see my point of view._

_You can stop laughing now, I know that's a long shot. But with what we're doing, we've got to start with a little bit of trust somewhere. I think one of the things that made the first Normandy so special, what tied us all together, was trust. Even Ash came around in the end, and we managed to accomplish something amazing together._

_Conveniently enough, what Miranda has asked for my help with is on Illium, which we're now orbiting. I also feel compelled to mention that I do, in fact, feel completely terrible after my overindulgence last night. I've had worse, though, and it's certainly nothing compared to one of the awful migraines I saw you with on the Normandy, so I'll power through._

_Be well, Kaidan. I'll write again soon._

_-Jane_

* * *

Kaidan had skipped ahead enough to know that Shepard had decided to keep writing, but it was still a relief to read the whole letter in its entirety. He was starting to get to the point that the reminder that he should know her best only caused a momentary wince rather than an outright flood of guilt, too, which was something of a relief. He **did** know her, no matter what he might have thought on Horizon, and he only hoped that he'd get the chance to prove that to her at some point soon.

**After** he made some rather substantial apologies, that is.

To find that Garrus was the one who'd encouraged her to keep writing was definitely a surprise, considering how often the turian's temper had been mentioned since Shepard had written about Horizon. Kaidan knew he should reach out to Garrus, he just wasn't sure how to begin...still, it was something to think about, something to do sooner rather than later.

Since he had already started a map of the places that Shepard had been, it was easy to find the entry for the Far Rim and bring it up to add a note. If the quarians were worried about something, and it was enough for Shepard to term it 'odd,' that was worth checking into later. He might not be able to pass any news on to her, but he could at least bring it to the attention of the Alliance.

He added an entry for Illium, too, though all he had at this point was that she'd been there. He'd never been, and couldn't remember that much about it himself, beyond that it was an asari-held world...and that it was in the Terminus, which meant that it wasn't really any safer than any other colony out there.

Reading about Miranda made Kaidan shake his head, even as a knowing smile curved his lips. Whatever doubts she had at first, he knew Shepard was right, that she'd end up helping the Cerberus operative, no matter the woman's initial loyalties. That was what she did, was one of the things that had always made her great.

She didn't give herself enough credit, Kaidan mused. On the SR-1, Shepard had been the one to tie them all together, to make them believe it was possible to trust one another, alien and human alike. Without Shepard, it never would have happened, they never would have found a way to bridge the gap. It had been difficult enough, even **with** Shepard's influence.

Kaidan sipped his beer and stared toward the window briefly, thoughtful. This letter was written the morning after the one she'd written while drunk, and the journal entry immediately before it had mentioned it was written a couple of days post-Horizon. She'd been to pick up Tali after writing the journal, before her...overindulgence, as she'd called it, which made him chuckle again. Trying to sort out the timeline was liable to give him a headache, especially if he kept thinking about it in those terms.

"Better to talk this out," he muttered to himself, "or I'll go crazy. So...Horizon. A few days, then the journal entry and they're on the way to the Far Rim. Unknown how long it took to pick up Tali, but they had to come back in to get to Illium, so she was getting drunk on the way, then there's this one the morning after. This is...what, a week after Horizon?"

Lifting his beer, Kaidan lapsed into silence and spent a few more minutes trying to fine tune the timing in his head before deciding that was about as close he was going to get. That meant that her trip to Illium had been about seven weeks ago, give or take a few days. Seven weeks of letters yet to get through...good thing he'd ordered the extra beer, he thought, grinning, as he picked up the datapad once again.

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_Reviews welcome!_


	20. Chapter 18, Blasts from the Past

**AN:** Gah! Network problems last night, and I'm not sure whether it was me or them. I'm going to start cross-posting this on AO3 (I could get there yesterday with no problem) under the same username, just in case this happens again. Thanks, as always, for all the feedback! Regarding the seven week thing in the last chapter...unless I decide to start putting more than one or two letters in a chapter (unlikely) or changing the format somewhat, there are more than 7 letters left. Shepard writes more often than once a week. I still don't have a full count on how many chapters I have left, actually... :)

Disclaimer: Everything still belongs to Bioware and EA.

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**Chapter 18 - Blasts From the Past**

_Dear Kaidan,_

_Illium turned out to be a far more...interesting place than I'd given it credit for._

_I'll give the asari this, they do beautiful architecture. It's a rather lovely place, though it's all on the surface. Underneath, it's as bad as Omega. Worse than Omega, really, because at least on Omega, you __**know**__ it's a shithole. It's right there in your face for you (and everyone) to see. Illium hides its seedy underbelly in lovely asari finery, and it's entirely possible to get pulled under and indentured, or worse, without even fully realizing it._

_We ran into several old, um, friends here. Gianna Parasini, the internal affairs agent from Noveria, is here. She bought me a drink for my help with Anoleis...and asked me for my assistance yet again with someone on Illium. It couldn't hurt, I thought, and it only took a few minutes of our time. She asked me to remind you that she owes you a kiss for your role in helping take Anoleis down. Against my better judgment, consider yourself reminded._

_I also received a message from my...friend from Noveria, via an asari who came across said friend and her, ah, new brood in her travels. That was quite a bizarre experience, truth be told. But it seems my...friend is doing well and abiding by the agreement that we made upon her release. I still don't know whether that was the best choice, but genocide is not something I'm comfortable with, so I suppose there was no real alternative._

_Conrad Verner is here, too, in a horrible but undoubtedly expensive replica of a set of N7 armor. He keeps telling people that he learned how to wave a gun in their face from me. I'm surprised. I seem to recall that I was rather nice and restrained with Conrad, so either my memory really is faulty after being rebuilt and I'm missing the pleasure of that experience, or he's as full of hot air as ever. That whole encounter was just so strange, and I can't shake the feeling that I'll end up running into him again at some point in the future._

_And then there's Liara. Yes, Liara T'Soni, Prothean expert and archaeologist, is now an information broker on Illium. When I walked into her office, she was using Benezia's line about few humans ever facing an asari commando unit. It was...disconcerting._

_The whole thing was disconcerting, really. Tali grew up. Liara...grew cold. Perhaps that's the way of things for the asari, since a lot of them do seem to have that vaguely superior vibe. That doesn't really explain everything, though. Maybe it's simply because I caught her in her new working environment, I'm not really sure. There's just something...__**off**__ about my whole encounter with her, but I can't really put my finger on it yet._

_Either way, it's yet another example of just how much things have changed in the time that I lost. I don't really need the point brought home to me anymore, yet it continues to happen. That's probably going to be the way of things for quite some time, I'm afraid, and I'm starting to wonder whether I'll be able to cope with it._

_We'll be on Illium for a little while. Two of the dossiers brought me here, and there's Miranda's favor to see to. In an effort to save funds, Cerberus has requested that we berth aboard the Normandy, which is really their way of attempting to exert as much control over me as possible. Can't have the 4 billion credit investment spending even a few nights out of range of their monitoring devices, after all._

_If I had access to funding of my own...I don't, for now, but I'm working on that. What I have been able to get has gone to upgrade weapons and armor, for myself and some of the crew, and for the new Normandy. It feels wrong for me to use the Cerberus funding for the ship, but as I write this, I've realized how ridiculous that sounds, so that will almost certainly change. After all, if he could afford 4 billion credits to throw away on me, he can certainly spare something to prepare the ship._

_Tomorrow begins the next phase of our recruitment. We'll see how it all turns out._

_-Jane_

* * *

**Four billion credits?** Once again, Shepard had written him a letter full of information, but Kaidan's mind caught and clung to that statement.

Four **billion** credits. If that figure could be substantiated, if that was a real number, one they hadn't pulled it out of thin air and given it to her as some kind of twisted way of controlling her... His mind was reeling. That, more than anything, laid to rest any doubts he'd still been harboring about whether she really had been resurrected. If it had all been some crazy, elaborate ruse, that would've cost a fortune, but not of that magnitude.

Four billion credits. Where the hell had Cerberus come up with that kind of funding?

Once he was able to go more than a few seconds without his mind dragging itself back to that astronomical figure, Kaidan skimmed the early parts of Shepard's letter again. Letting the Rachni Queen leave on Noveria was something he'd always wondered about, but he had to agree, he wouldn't have felt comfortable being responsible for the complete genocide of a single race. That she was out there somewhere and sending messengers, that was a little disconcerting, but since that seemed to be the end of it, perhaps it wasn't a problem after all.

Kaidan gave a quick chuckle at the mention of Verner. Shepard had, indeed, been rather restrained when dealing with him, much more so than anyone else probably would have been. Illium was a long way from the Citadel, though, and he couldn't imagine why Verner had ended up there.

Reading about Liara's new profession gave him yet another jolt and sent the datapad crashing into his lap. What if Liara wasn't just a simple information broker, but something more? Suddenly, it didn't seem all that farfetched that Shepard had been able to have her letters delivered. She must have gone to Liara to ask for help.

The only question became how she'd managed to hide all the letters from Cerberus. Shepard had mentioned in passing that the salarian scientist and thief kept her quarters as clear of bugs as they were able, but Kaidan still had to wonder if they knew about what she'd been writing. Then again, if they had, he imagined they probably would have found a way to copy or delete them all, and that didn't appear to be the case.

As Kaidan sipped at his latest beer, he mused once again over what it must be like for Shepard to live that way. Adjusting to being alive again, dealing with the fact that two years had passed, forced to work with a terrorist organization that she'd tried so hard to fight against while still with the Alliance, constantly being watched and monitored by who knew how many people and devices... He'd always known she was an amazing woman. That she was finding a way to deal with all of that simply gave him further proof.

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_Dear Kaidan,_

_Somehow, I am completely unsurprised to find that Nassana Dantius is here on Illium. You, in turn, will be completely unsurprised to find that she's dead._

_Not __**so**__ fast...it wasn't by my hand._

_Illium, as I mentioned before, has Omega-esque elements to it. Considering that it's so asari-centric, and given the issues that we had with Nassana Dantius two years ago, finding her there just did not surprise me. She didn't exactly strike me as the above board type after all, considering that she'd been thinking about asking us to kill her own sister._

_Let me state once again that I am tired of dealing with all of these gangs. They still have great stuff to blow up, though, and they make decent targets, so I suppose I shouldn't complain too much._

_The latest addition to our crew is a drell assassin. Nassana thought we (Garrus, Jack, and I) were there for her, but really, we were looking for Thane, who __**was**__ there for her. He's rather skilled, I have to admit, though it was strange to me to come across an assassin who prays for forgiveness after each kill._

_Jacob doesn't like Thane, oddly enough. This is the closest he's come to disapproving of anything that the Illusive Man does. I'm not sure whether he dislikes Thane on principle or there's some weird jealousy dynamic going on there. I can't imagine why there would be; even if I were interested, Jacob is...not a choice I would make, even if I could get past his allegiances._

_Anyway, of all the crew that we've picked up so far, Thane and Kasumi are my favorites, I think...of the new, non-Cerberus variety, that is. Jack is just too volatile, Zaeed is a disgusting pig of a mercenary, and Jacob and Miranda are non-starters._

_I'll admit, though, I have a bit of a soft spot for Grunt. He's as bloodthirsty as you'd imagine a baby krogan could be, but I find myself liking him anyway, and I did sort of...bring him into the world by cracking that tank, so maybe I feel a bit like I'm responsible for him, too. There'll be time to delve into that later, maybe._

_Thane is...well, he's dying, which makes up such a huge part of who he is right now, though that's the least important thing about him. He's been an assassin nearly all his life and it almost seems like he's using this as redemption._

_It's an interesting thought, which leads me to wonder how I'd feel if I knew this were the last mission I'd ever complete. It would certainly give me a lot of motivation to make sure that it's finally done and done right before I die. I've been a soldier for so long, I've seen (and dealt) so much death, when it's all finally over, I think that I'll really be looking forward to being able to rest._

_These were not things I thought about before I met you. I'd never stopped to consider 'what if' and what could come after life in the military before I realized how I felt about you, how you made me feel. There __**was**__ no 'life after the military,' it wasn't something I'd ever considered. I knew I'd die in the service, one way or another, whether on a mission or still serving after who knows how many years. You changed all that. Even now, given everything that's happened, 'after' is still something that lingers in my mind. I suppose, once that door is open, there's no way to close it...even if I might want to, considering how much it hurts at the moment._

_And it does hurt._

_But in those moments when things seem darkest, I try to remind myself of the good things, the good memories...the good hopes. Even though they're few and far between, even though they're hopes and dreams that I may never attain now, I'm so grateful that I have them. Life would be pretty empty otherwise._

_Until next time,_

_-Jane_

* * *

Kaidan found himself thankful for the mention of Nassana Dantius at the beginning of this latest letter, since it gave him a built in distraction, at least for a few moments. He remembered the asari emissary, and how incensed Shepard had been that she'd been considering hiring them out to eliminate her sister. Knowing what he did of Illium, both by Shepard's description and on his own, he really wasn't surprised that Dantius was there, nor was he all that surprised to hear that she was dead.

That she died by the hand of an assassin that Shepard was recruiting to her crew, on the other hand...that was a bit of a surprise. That he'd become a 'favorite' of Shepard's, and that one of the other men on the crew seemed jealous? Those were eye-openers, and he couldn't help but wonder whether it was something that merited concern.

It was momentary, however, as he re-read the tail end of Shepard's letter. Kaidan had thought he'd already felt as much guilt as he could, reading what she'd written after Horizon. Seeing this, however, being party to her innermost thoughts days later once the shock had worn off made him ache.

His plan, too, had always been to give his life in service to the Alliance, whether that meant in combat or otherwise. It wasn't until after he'd met Shepard that he'd started to entertain ideas of what might come after. That there could be an after at all, particularly one that included a woman he loved and might someday want a family with.

Kaidan set the datapad aside again and leaned back, sighing. This was part of the reason Shepard's death had affected him as it had. They hadn't talked about it during those few days of shore leave after defeating Sovereign. He wasn't sure about Shepard, but for him, it had been because things between them were so new and unexpected that he hadn't wanted to spoil anything by getting too serious, too soon. Not that there had been any doubt in his mind that Shepard was the one, but at the time, he recalled, he felt that he'd rather have her in his life as a casual relationship than not at all.

It hadn't been casual for him, though, and it didn't seem that Shepard thought it had been casual, either. That, more than anything, had given him the courage he needed to finally get ready to put himself out there, but when he'd made up his mind to talk to her about it, that was when the Collectors had blown their ship out of the sky.

There were reasons that he'd been such a mess after the SR-1 had been lost, and that had been chief among them...not that he'd ever told anyone. Not the crew, who'd checked on him so often in those first few weeks, and certainly not the Alliance psychiatrist, the one responsible for deciding whether he was fit for duty or discharge after the fact.

Shaking his head once again, Kaidan reclaimed the datapad and re-read the last paragraph. She still thought of the good times, the good memories, and he couldn't help but feel encouraged by that. Maybe there was some hope in there somewhere. She was still writing, and still cared about him, it seemed, so maybe they'd be able to make some of those good hopes she had come true someday.

If he could ever find her again.

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_Reviews welcome!_


	21. Chapter 19, Re: About Horizon

**AN: **First, let me apologize for how long this has taken. Short version: I work full time and am also in school full time, taking classes that give a quarter's worth of information in 4 weeks, and I'm in an on-campus class to make up some credits. Nov/Dec was my senior project, which I had to pass in order to be eligible to graduate, no pressure. Thankfully, I did pass, and will be done in another few months, but it's been brutal. I'm so, so sorry for the lack of notice for my absence. I'll do my best to stick to the weekly schedule from here on in and will say something if I expect to miss more than a week. If you're still out there, thanks for waiting for me, and thanks for reading.

As for this one...Hopefully, this chapter should address why this version of Shepard is so quick to forgive, at least a little bit.

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**Chapter 19 - Re: About Horizon...**

_Dear Kaidan,_

_I got your message, and I'm so sorry that I can't reply directly. I hope you won't take my silence to mean that I don't care, that I don't appreciate what you said. I'll try to get a message to you somehow, but between Yeoman Chambers, who monitors all my messages, and EDI, who can see almost everything on the ship, no matter how I tried, it'd get blocked. You're an undesirable, as far as Cerberus is concerned. Too dedicated to the Alliance to be an ally._

_I have to say, I really respect and admire that about you. You're not afraid to stand up for what you believe in, and you're proud to be unwavering and dedicated in your support for your cause. I remember when your cause matched mine, in our hunt for Saren. I wish I'd told you then how much it meant to me that you found me worthy of that focus._

_I'm amazed your message got through to me in the first place, though I imagine that, given its content, I was allowed to see it. It's...very complicated here. I hope I'll be able to get away from it soon, but dealing with the Collectors has to come first. I hope, now that you've seen it first hand, you'll understand why I feel that way._

_Please don't apologize for what you said on Horizon. You were right in a lot of ways. Believe me, though, it burns me to know that I have to work with Cerberus, considering all we discovered while we were on the first Normandy. That I'm helping these terrorists...well. To my mind it's a necessary evil, and I really don't trust them at all, but I can understand how it looks to everyone else but me._

_Really, if anyone should apologize, I should be the one apologizing to you. I had no idea that it was so bad for you after I died. (It has taken me a long time to be able to write that without shutting down. To be able to think it. I died. It's horrifying.) Granted, there was no way for me to know, and no one was volunteering anything. I had to pin Chakwas down before she'd talk, and what she didn't say was almost as horrifying as what she did._

_I've only ever wanted your happiness. I hope, if you continue to see that doctor on the Citadel, that you find it. There's a selfish part of me that hopes for your 'maybe,' but even if I weren't working with Cerberus, I'd never ask you to wait for me, that would hardly be fair._

_Do I remember the night before Ilos? Yes. Oh, yes. Remember that it's only been a few months for me, though even if it **had** been two years, that's not something I'd ever forget. I felt so alive that night, and every night we were together. I haven't felt that way again since. You told me once that I was hard to step away from. You...are impossible to forget. So, yes, I remember. I'll always remember._

_I hope like hell I come through this, Kaidan. I hope that, when I do, I can take you up on that maybe. I suppose we'll just have to wait and see, won't we?_

_-Jane_

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When Kaidan read the subject of Shepard's latest letter, he cringed, recalling what he'd written to her in the aftermath of finding her alive on Horizon. He'd been anxious to read this letter, too, but now that it had finally come up, it took effort to read every word rather than skim through.

Once he was finished, he could only shake his head, bemused and irritated. She'd made mention before that Cerberus was watching everything, but he couldn't help but be amazed at the lengths to which they'd gone, yet again. Granted, after spending four billion credits on bringing someone back to life, perhaps they felt it was their right, but even so... Living that way would drive him mad and he still couldn't fathom how Shepard could stand it. Like her, he wouldn't be surprised if she'd been allowed to see his message. If they'd been hoping she'd cut all ties, perhaps they figured that would do it.

He had certainly thought that would probably be the end, in spite of his offerings of maybes and what ifs.

But she'd apologized to him? Kaidan sighed and retrieved his nearly empty beer. It rankled that she felt that **she **had to apologize when he'd been the one out of line. Did he really seem that unyielding, especially to the woman he loved? Even as he asked the question, though, he already knew the answer, and it was enough to spur him out of his seat again, pacing the length of his tiny living area.

Granted, he **had** been a mess after her death, and unlike Shepard, he didn't have any trouble with the idea that she'd died. Rather, he **did**, but it wasn't as foreign a concept to him, since he'd been there when the SR1 was attacked. It was the fact that she was alive now that had turned his world upside down. Not that it had been all that stable anyway; he was still was in some ways, which was why these letters were affecting him so strongly. But it wasn't as if she'd been given a choice about what had happened to her on the SR1, and she certainly hadn't had any control over how he'd reacted after her death, or how he'd punished himself since, **or **how he'd acted after seeing her alive on Horizon.

On the other hand, as he'd already thought so often while he'd read these letters, it **was **Shepard. She'd always been one to shoulder more than her share of the load. And in the end, Kaidan thought, his lips twisting in a wry smile, wasn't that what she was doing right now? 'A necessary evil,' she'd called it. Wherever she was, she'd let Cerberus appoint her the savior of the missing colonies, just like she'd let the Council appoint her the savior of the Citadel when they'd sent her after Saren. It was perhaps the most aggravating thing about her, and most admirable.

Glancing back toward where he'd left the datapad, Kaidan winced as he recalled the letter. Why had he even bothered mentioning going out for drinks in the first place? It was probably right up there on the list of worst dates he'd ever been on. They'd only gone at the urging of her friends (and the not-so-subtle hints from Anderson) and had ended up only being drinks rather than the dinner plus more they'd discussed. She'd been distracted by work, more fascinated by the L2 amp in his head than with anything else about him, and had spent most of their brief time together by peppering him with more questions. He'd still been brooding over Shepard, the reason for all of Anderson's hinting, and he'd only gone to shut the man up. It hadn't taken very long before they'd mutually agreed that they ought to stick to a more professional relationship and they'd gone their separate ways for the evening, only meeting again when he showed up for regular appointments at Alliance Medical.

Kaidan groaned as he walked toward the kitchenette for another beer. "Idiot. Why mention her at all?" It had been meant as a rhetorical question, but his mind naturally had an answer: why else but to inflict more hurt? Which prompted a grunt of disgust and another pained look, directed at himself once more. He'd really have to set the record straight about that one as soon as he possibly could. And apologize. Definitely that.

He couldn't help but feel hopeful, though. She'd said she wouldn't ask him to wait, but there was no doubt in his mind that he would. Shepard was out there somewhere, and still felt **something** for him, especially given the way she'd described her memories of Ilos. If she was willing to look past what had happened on Horizon, if she'd give him another chance, there was no way he'd turn it down. He might spend the rest of his life making it up to her, but at least it seemed like he'd have the opportunity, maybe...

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_Reviews welcome!_


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